Jason Everhardt left Comedy Corner at 21:11:41
Jason Everhardt 21:08:01
I've always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. The Speak Easy has really taken off and has given me the extra bucks to buy one. Last week, I passed by the Harley dealer in town and saw this great Sportster parked in the lot. It was candy apple red with more chrome than a Peter Max exhibit. Stopping in, the owner of the shop let me take it out for a test spin and it was like love at first sight. The price was right, so I decided to buy it.
Worried about keeping the chrome from rusting, I asked the dealer if there was anything I could do to protect the bike. He told me about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on my new bike free from rust. The guy said that all I have to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. I happily paid for the motor cycle and left.

I don't want a pickle...I just want to ride my motor cyckle. Sorry, that old Arlo Guthrie tune has been in my head all day.

A few days later at the Speak Easy, this beautiful babe strolled in and sat at the bar. I immediately went over and offered to buy her a drink. Well, needless to say, she drank free all night. We chatted in between my tending to other patron's needs and she ended up coming home with me. The following day, we went to the country on the Harley and it was splendor in the grass. I must have busted a nut at least a dozen times that afternoon.
I drove her back to her apartment and she asked me to come home with her on Sunday and meet her parents over dinner. I readily accepted and told her I would pick her up at this past Sunday afternoon.
Sunday arrived and we rode on the Harley to her parents house. Before we went in, she told me that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
We went in and I met her folks. They were quite nice. Her father asked me if I would like a a beer before dinner. I thought it wouldn't hurt, so I obliged. Well one led to another and another. The next thing I knew, we were drinking double scotches on the rocks. Let me tell you...I had quite a buzz on. We sat down at the table and began to eat. After a delicious dinner everyone sat in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.
Feeling no pain from all the booze I had drunk and after a long fifteen minutes, I decided to speed things up. I reached over and kissed my date in front of her family. No one uttered a word. Emboldened, I slipped my hand under her blouse and fondled her tits. Still, not one word was spoken. Finally, I threw her on the table and screwed her in front of everyone. No one said a word. Now I was getting desperate, so I grabbed her mother and threw HER on the table. We had even wilder sex. Still... no one made a peep.
By now I was thinking of what to do next when I heard thunder in the distance. My first thought was to protect the chrome on my Harley, so I got my jacket, reached in the pocket and pulled out my jar of Vaseline.
Just then, the father jumped up and said: "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
We all laughed after I came back in from greasing up the chrome. What a kinky family. Before we left, Madeleine, my date's mother, said to me: "You can come to dinner anytime. Or should I say Cum at Dinner anytime!!!" She winked and gave me a big smile. Melissa, her little sister, grabbed my ass and said to do her on the table next time. Her father told me that he has a website: "http://www.AllintheFamily.net." and would like to take some pictures the next time for his home page. Maybe Slicker, I'll send some pics in for your voyeur pages.
I have a feeling that this is going to turn out to be a lasting relationship.
Later!

Jason Everhardt has joined Comedy Corner at 21:01:57
Fargo 02/16/99 left Comedy Corner at 15:02:15
Fargo 02/16/99 14:59:05
This is a true story from the Novell helpline. Needless to say, the
Help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the
Novell organization for "termination without cause".

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"Novell - WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

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Bill Clinton left Comedy Corner at 21:11:53
Bill Clinton 21:09:48
Hey Slicker...I'm back in black! Now that trial is over I can get down to some heavy surfing. I really missed visiting all the babes at A Nude Cornucopia. But during that whole mess, I couldn't be too careful. I only visited Yahoo and Disney.com.
I was so happy with the Senate's verdict, I passed out some Cuban Cigars in celebration.
Free at last, free at last...Good Golly Miss Molly, I'm free at last!!! You know, last night I had a dream.
It was a weird one at that. I guess all my pent up frustrations let loose. In the dream, I met up with Saddam Hussein in Baghdad for a peace talk. When I sat down, I noticed three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. We began talking. After about five minutes, Saddam pressed the first button. Son of a bitch...a boxing glove sprung out of a box on the desk and punched me smack dab in face. Confused, I carried on talking as Saddam was cracking up. A few minutes later, he pressed the second button and a big boot kicked me in the shin. Again Saddam laughed. But when he pressed the third button and another boot nailed me in the nuts, I finally had enough.
"I'm going back home!" I told the asshole. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
Then the dream shifted gears and I was interviewing some beauties for the vacant intern position. And guess who applied? Jennifer Love Hewitt. Lord have mercy! She had that cute little round mouth that ain't from eating hotdogs. Just as she was about to sample the ole baloney pony, I was suddenly sitting in the Oval office with Saddam to continue the peace talks.
As the meeting progressed, this time Hussein noticed three buttons on my chair.
I guess he had prepared himself for a Yank's revenge. As we conversed, I pressed the first button. Saddam ducked, but nothing happened. I snickered. A few seconds later, I pressed the second button.
Saddam jumped up, but again nothing happened. My sides began to ache from laughter. When I pressed the third button, Saddam leaped out of his chair awaiting the worst. I fell on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Fuck this," shouted Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Through tears of laughter, I boasted: "Baghdad, what Baghdad?"
Oh well...all's well that ends well. I hadn't had such a restful night's sleep in a long time.
Take care Slicker. Drop by sometime and bring Jason Everhardt with you for old time's sake. Don't forget that guitar of yours. I feel like jamming.
As Jason would say...Later!
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Fargo 02/13/99 11:56:29
I went into the local Catholic Church last night to drop off a bag of canned goods for their food drive...

Father John was on his knees in front of the altar, hands clasped in prayer and his face turned upward...

Father John: "Holy Father, guide me on the path of righteousness and strike down those who would dare tempt me toward sin".

BOOMING VOICE: "Lemme see.... hmmm... O.K., here's some guidance for you.. 'THOU SHALT NOT TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE OPERATING A MOVING VEHICLE'....As for the second part, I'll kill every single moron that does".

Father John: "How about their offspring? They could be afflicted with some kind of pox of festering sores...."

BOOMING VOICE: "Yeah, sure, what the hell"...

Fargo 02/13/99 11:25:02
Something to think about.....

Bill had Monica as an intern.... right?

If Hillary becomes a Senator from New York, does she get to have 21 year old MALE interns????

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Kristen 17:49:30
I just got back from New York. My life seemed like an endless stream of trials and tribulations that I felt that I should get away for a while. After I landed at Kennedy Airport, I took a cab to my old roomate's apartment seeking a little counsel. Beverly was always good at cheering me up. But when I arrived at her door, she answered the bell and told me to return some other time as she had her boyfriend over and they were engaged in heavy lovemaking.
I was devestated. Having gone all that way to be turned away from the one person whom I had hoped would help me through my crisis.
I ended up in lower Manhatten by the bay across from the Statue of Liberty. I was so desperate that I decided to end my life by throwing myself into the Hudson. Hopping into a cab, I went uptown a short distance to the docks. A handsome young sailor noticed my tears, took pity on me, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around my shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
I nodded 'yes.' After all, what did I have to lose? Later that night, the sailor brought me aboard and hid me in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought me three sandwiches and a piece of fruit. We made passionate love until dawn.
One week later, during a routine search, I was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," I explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
I went ashore when the ferry docked at the station feeling quite shocked and embarrassed. Imagine that!
I did do alot of thinking and soul searching throughout the ordeal. It gave me another outlook on life.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
Now that's the way life shoud be!
I'm going to join a support group. There's got to be a better way.

Love,
Kristen

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Jason Everhardt 17:04:08
Just when you think that you've seen it all!!! A nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into the Speak Easy last night and raised her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar went dead silent, as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Jason, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
I poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. After she completed the drink, she turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and said, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said: "Jason Everhardt, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, I approached the little drunk and stated, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Jason, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

We just had a new song added to the Juke Box.... it goes like this:

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme...

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;

Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;

Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,

Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;

Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"

"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,

He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,

And you're invited here to dis fine locality,

To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees

Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,

But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,

And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,

'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;

Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"

But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,

Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;

So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,

And stay outta trouble with dat woman Hillary.

Sung by the Starrland Vocal Band. It's sure to be a hit.

Later!

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Kristen 22:54:50
I just stopped in to say hi and apologize for my behavior the past month or so. I don't know what got into me. It was like I was possesed by an evil demon. Dr. Ben Dover at the Gynecological and Proctology Clinic sensed my depression when I returned back to work last week. He gave me some Prozac and I've been taking it religiously. I can't believe that I was willing to end my life in the Hudson River.
Anyway, reading Bill Clinton's story made me want to tell you about these strange dreams I've been having. It must be these pills.
Just last night ...I dreamed that I was a beautiful, independent, self assured princess in a far away land.
I happened upon a frog as I sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near my castle.
The frog hopped into my lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as I dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, I chuckled to myself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."
I guess these crazy dreams are the best therapy I could ask for!

Love,
Kristen

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Fargo 02/19/99 19:59:56
Subject: Some repeat bumper stickers, some new!

1. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
2. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
3. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
4. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
5. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive
a little better.
6. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
7. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
9. Horn broken...watch for finger.
10. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I guess that about sums it up...

Fargo

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Fargo 02/17/99 18:33:33

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

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