Kristen left Comedy Corner at 22:46:00
Kristen 22:43:14
I just got home from visiting my Aunt Minnie. She's a dear old lady who is slowly losing it. When I arrived at her apartment, she was having tea with two of her friends from the senior citizen's center.
I sat down and listened to the ongoing conversation. One of the gals exclaimed, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The other lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
Aunt Minnie responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. She stopped talking, looked around and said: "That must be the door, I'll get it."
She came back into the room and said there was nobody there.
"Kristen, my dear," whispered Aunt Minnie in my ear. "Be a good girl and go to the market for me to pick up some eggs, milk and a tube of Pillsbury Dough Boy Chocolate Chip Cookie mix. I'd like to bake some treats for tonite's Bridge game at the center."
I departed and drove to the nearest Kroger's Market. After I got the groceries, I dropped by the bakery to pick up some apple turnovers to have after dinner. I left the car running and cranked up the heater while I went inside. It was quite chilly and windy today in Beckley.
When I returned, just as I started to put the car in gear, there was this loud explosion. It sounded like a gun shot! I felt this sharp pain as something struck the back of my head. When I put my hand back there I felt this mushy substance oozing from in between my hair. "My God!!!" I thought. "I've been shot and my brains are coming out from the back of my cranium."
When I came to, I was still clutching on the back of my skull holding my brains in. I didn't dare move. A man was rapping on the window, yelling to me asking if I was alright. "No," I said. "I've been shot and I am keeping my brains from coming out of my head. Please...help me!"
He ran to get the police who used a Slim Jim on the passenger's door to get in. "Take your hands away from your head!" the policeman ordered.
"No way!" I cried. "I'll die!!!"
By now the ambulance arrived and the medical technician tried to remove my hands from holding in my brains. When he finally pried my hands away they all started laughing!
"What may I ask is so funny???" I shouted out. "Here I am about to die and all you can do is laugh?"
The emergency technician reached into my bag of groceries, pulled out a shattered tube of Pillsbury Dough Boy Chocolate Cookie Mix, and began stuffing what I thought were my brains back into the container.
"Next time," he chuckled, "don't leave your groceries so close to the heater vent!"
How embarrassing! As they walked away in hysterics, I could hear the dumb blond comments through their laughter.
I drove back to Aunt Minnie's and told them of my escapade. Fortunately, I had the apple turnovers so my aunt would have something to bring with her to the card game. And I thought my Aunt Minnie was losing it!
I've got to take a shower now. I hope it won't be too hard getting this dried up dough out from my hair. Then I think I'll bake some cookies.

Love,
Kristen

Kristen has joined Comedy Corner at 22:38:36
Fargo 03/26/99 left Comedy Corner at 12:52:39
Fargo 03/26/99 12:49:40
Now, here's a REAL slice of Americana....

His and Hers ATMs.... Anybody been here???


HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

BTW, I get behind this this woman EVERY time..

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake


Fargo 03/26/99 has joined Comedy Corner at 12:45:28
Fargo 03/25/99 left Comedy Corner at 19:51:55
Fargo 03/25/99 19:51:04
When I arrived home from work today, I went to the mailbox to pick up my daily deluge of junk mail and flyers.... My neighbor, Vern, was picking up his mail...

Vern - "Tell me the truth, Fargo, do you think my head has gotten larger over the past year?..."

Fargo - "Hmmmm.... I don't know Vern, ... I guess so....."

Vern - "It's a generic trait in my family...We also get bad facial veins. Mostly though, I don't relish the thought of being covered with purplish boils like both my father and grandfather. I have a few already... Would you like to see?...

Fargo - " I really don't think so, ...I think I'll just wait for the National Geographic Special when it comes on PBS... If that's O.K. with you..."

Vern - "Speaking of which, I have a Keratotic lesion on my grion that's shaped like Madagascar......""

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Fargo 03/25/99 has joined Comedy Corner at 19:29:16
Fargo 03/20/99 left Comedy Corner at 15:13:53
Fargo 03/20/99 15:07:31
As I walked outside to get the paper this morning, Milkman Dan pulls up to the house next door. Karen, the 6 year old who lives there is in the yard.... Milkman Dan exits the truck with 2 gal. of milk....

Milkman Dan - "You know, Karen, I've been troubled lately by the possibility that a giant meteor could come hurtling out of the sky at any moment."

Karen - "REALLY???... What would happen?"....

Milkman Dan - "Well, the initial cataclysmic impact would kill tens of millions instantly. The ensuing cloud of dust, smoke and steam would destroy the remaining life over the next few months. During that time, the survivors would play out their remaining days in a grisly carnival of cannibalism and unimaginable agony....."

Karen - "YUCK!!!.. Why do you think about such awful things?"

Milkman Dan - "Well, it makes me feel less guilty about having just run over your cat..."

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Fargo 03/20/99 has joined Comedy Corner at 14:46:59
Jason Everhardt left Comedy Corner at 18:03:49
Jason Everhardt 17:59:54
Happy St. Patty's Day! I know it's a day late in wishing but the thought is there. Last night was a wild one at the Speak Easy. You would have thought that the moon was full by the crazies that showed up.
It started out at opening time when a man stumbled up to the only other patron in the place and asked if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," he replied.
The first man then asked, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replied the second man.
The first guy responded, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replied the second one, and they both poured back their drinks.
Curious, the first guy then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," came the reply.
"I can't believe it" said the first gent. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continued drinking.
Curiosity struck again and the first dude asked, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man said. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in walked one of the regulars and he sat down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asked me.
"Nothing much," I quipped. "The O'Hara twins are drunk again."
Then the place started to fill up. I glanced over at the end of the bar and there was this guy making like he was pushing buttons in the palm of his hand. He would then begin to talk into the palm of his left hand while holding his right hand over his ear. This went on for a while. I went up to him and told him that I thought he had enough to drink and better be on his way.
"Why is that?" he inquired.
I told him that talking into the palm of his hand wasn't exactly sober behavior and I wouldn't want to be responsible for any altercations that may arise with some of the redneck patrons.
The guy told me he had a phone installed in his hand and he was taking care of business.
"Give me a break!" I demanded.
"No, really!" he said. "Here...listen." With that, he put his hand over my ear and sure enough...there was his stock broker quoting the daily report on how his portfolio was doing.
"I'll be damned," I exclaimed. I couldn't believe it. It's amazing how far along technology has brought us.
I happened to notice the guy going to the head and some time passed without him returning. Peeking into the Men's room to check on the patron, I saw him in one of the booths with his pants down, legs spread and a roll of toilet paper stuffed up his butt.
"Lord have mercy!!!" I yelled out. "Did one of the rednecks do this to you? Are you alright???"
"Just a minute..." he shouted back. "I'll be right with you. I'm waiting for a fax!"
Just when you thought you have seen it all...in came John Branigan and his son.
John's son was born without a torso, arms or legs...just a head!
It turned out that his son's birthday was on St. Patrick's Day and he just turned 21 years old yesterday.
John brought him in for his first drink. He ordered up the strongest drink he could think of for his boy...one Bourbon, one Scotch and one Beer with a Long Island Tea as a chaser. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar fell dead silent; then burst into whoops of joy. Old John, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted "Take another drink!"
Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar wents wild.
Branigan, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons again began to chant: "Take another drink!"
By now the boy was getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. John Branigan fells to his knees and tearfully thanked God.
The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck ran over him and killed him instantly. The bar fell silent. Poor John Branigan moaned in grief.
That certainly put a damper on the night's festivites. That boy should have quit while he was a head!!!
I can't say that being a bartender is dull occupation. I'm taking the night off. My sweetie and I are going to take a ride on the Harley to my little cabin in Meekersville. We plan on welcoming in Spring with a Bang! Or two or three or four..., etc.
Later!
Jason Everhardt has joined Comedy Corner at 17:51:05
Chris has joined Comedy Corner at 05:31:08