1) A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
2) Do I look like a fucking people person?
3) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4) I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.
5) I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7) And just how may I fuck you over today?
8) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
9) I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
10) I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
11) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12) One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
13) I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
14) I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
15) It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
16) I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
17) Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
18) Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19) You look like shit. Is that the style now?
20) Earth is full. Go home.
21) I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.
22) It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
23) I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
**************************************************************
Two rednecks, Earl and Bubba, were driving down the road one day drinking a Bud. Earl looked up and says, "Lookee up thar, Bubba --a real road block. Them po-leesemans gonna catch us a-drinkin'." Bubba says, "No siree they won't. You do exlackly like I says. Finish your beer, peel the label off, and put the bottle under the seat. Now stick the label on yur ferhead." Earl does exactly as Bubba says.
They pull up to the road block and stop with the beer labels sticking to the middle of their foreheads. Naturally, the first thing the policeman asked was, "You boys been drinking?" "No siree," says Bubba, "we're
on the patch."
***************************************************
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas" He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that Then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied "I'm going too".
"Why?" She asked. He said "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year".
**********************************************************
A classified ad appearing in a NY newspaper.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last
weekend. Wife knows f***ing everything.
************************************************
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
*****************************************************
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.
Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept
coming, and coming, and coming...
************************************************************
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
***********************************************************
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a "GE" logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right," to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, He sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, ""Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooooooo........Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."
*******************************************************************
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans "
************************************************************
A funeral service is being held in the synagogue for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidently bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
The congregation hears a faint moan and when they open the casket, they find that the woman is actually alive, She lives for ten more years and then dies..
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out --- "Watch out for the wall!!!!!"
****************************************************************
A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over
she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents.
She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.
The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be
removed.
She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.
Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told
her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blonde responded, "that's not going to work unless you roll
up the windows."
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those of you who hate pooping at work, I give you the
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these
definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be
the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola or apple butter.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.There is bullshit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Later!