Later!
BY THE WAY!!!!!! MONICA IS A GUEST ON SNL TONITE..
That should be a barrel of laughs...
Fargo.....
Three Little Pigs
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having
a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories
for
fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig
went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon
me
sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man
said?"
and my friend's son raised his hand and said,
"I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
***************************************************************
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After
a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this
perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a
winding road,when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus
with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only
one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down
for
the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling ****.
**** So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in
the
first place. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this,
this
illustrates another point: women never listen either.
*************************************************************
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or
changing
one letter,and supply a new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like a
serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
**************************************************************
Fargo has been having trouble with his Big Mac. Until he resolves his dilemma, I guess I have to take up the slack.
Thanks to JMcmic@aol.com for passing the following our way...
***********************
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
*****************************************************
I was driving home yesterday and going 20 above the speed limit. Sure enough, there was a police car with its red lights on behind me.
I had some liquid courage in me so me thinks: "I can outrun this guy," and floor it. Going 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. Finally, as the speedometer passes 110, I figured "what the heck," give up and pull over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser, approaches the car, leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go. But it better be good, you were going well over 100." I though for a moment and than said: "Officer, three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"
***********************************************************
A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys. A zoo attendant throws a box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share. One particular monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it. The monkey then stuck the banana up his ass and pulled it out and ate it.
The poor woman who witnessed this was absolutely disgusted!
She immediately went to the zoo manager to complain about the dirty monkey.
After explaining what the monkey did, the zoo manager said, "We have a perfectly good explanation for that ma'am."
"Well, I would like to hear it then! I cannot imagine any excuse for that kind of behavior!", exclaimed the woman.
"Last week the attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and the same monkey grabbed a peach. ...The monkey ate it so
fast he swallowed the pit."
"I don't understand", demanded the angry woman.
"Well, you see the monkey had so much trouble passing the pit, now he sizes everything before he eats it!"
****************************************************
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her left knee.
***************************
Top 10 Amish Spring Break Activities
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave
9. Wet bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk kegger
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really kewl Clydesdale
5. Get a tattoo that reads: Born to raise barns
4. Cruise the streets shouting insults at people w/zippers.
3. Sleep in 'til 6
2. Drive over to Allenville and kick some Mennonite butt
...and the #1 Amish spring break activity:
1. Churn butter naked
********************************
You Might Be A Redneck If
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned...and they are still parked outside.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
**********************************************
REDNECK RULES OF ETIQUETTE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
*************************************************
One morning while the wife was making breakfast, her husband walked up
to her and pinched her on her butt saying, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she gritted her teeth and remained silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,"You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was just too much, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his dick.
With a death grip, she smiled sweetly and said, "You know, if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your brother!"
*************************************************
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems
OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all
morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
***************************************************
WARNING LABELS
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by its own stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)
On some Swan frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!) (I love it: food to piss you off.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in Outer space.)
(Or underground)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy)
***************************************
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried
out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
**********************************