Time to empty the e-mail bin. Thanks go out to JMcmic@aol.com and Zeeeman@email.msn.com for sending these next ones our way. And Fargo, have a safe trip! Get some good pictures.
***********************************************************
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear, and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy He woke to feel pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"CHINESE TORTURE #1: LARGE ROCK ON CHEST."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about. "He picked the boulder up, walked over the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"CHINESE TORTURE #2: ROCK TIED TO LEFT TESTICLE.
"In a panic he glanced down and saw that the rope was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
"CHINESE TORTURE #3: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO BED POST.
****************************************************
The Big Game Hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. "Springbok". Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. "And shot with a .308" riffle".

The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said: "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .416" and he was right again.

This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, everytime against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. 'Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?".
And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?"he asked.
She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: "Skunk, killed with an axe".
*********************************************
Having a Bad Day?

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and
facemask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from
burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a
positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and
somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio door and along with the
motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next
to him and the patio door shattered. She ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down
the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Since gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband
was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving
home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet
and smoked a cigarette.

After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the
toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a
loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and
found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and
he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same
ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied
by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had
burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard,
one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down
the remaining steps and broke his arm.
***********************************************
Strange but true:

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following
Islamic law:
"After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm ok, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one) (How do the Scots feel about it though?)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(OK, like THAT makes sense... )

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but forbidden from looking directly
at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking
at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(...a brick?????)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder how they enforce that one??)
(gives "head" a new meaning, hey?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (now let's just think
for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other
hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -but only in tropical fish stores. (of course!!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(...we have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (gotta love the good 'ole USA)
*****************************************
Subject: REDNECK MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery.........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What to do when patients die.
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Catscan........................Hunting for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than the other guy.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Lower G.I......................Privates and Corporals
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................Not a doubt.
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Darn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................One more than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Upper G.I......................Colonels and Generals
Varicose.......................Near by/close by

Fargo.