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Fargo 06/28/99 08:21:51
Here's a gem from Fargo, Jr. that I thought I'd post... More on the vacation from hell tonight..


VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not
only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes
the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM
access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your
phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus
will
mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will leave dirty socks on the
coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive
emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest,
you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your
shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel
rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with
scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone
loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will
rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive
tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change
the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is
opened
in a Windows 95 or 98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and
leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will
not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but
it will
also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your
luncheon meat with beef tongue. It will molecularly rearrange your
cologne or
perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and
subtle. It
is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting
shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection. PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

Then lighten up and get a life.

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Fargo 06/24/99 left Comedy Corner Fargo 06/24/99 16:20:49
Well... the wrecker arrived and using a gas powered air compressor, jacked up the "Big Johnson". He removed the outside tire and looked at the flat inside tire...."Hmmmmm this is a 'split rim'.... I said "HUH??.. he replied "split rim"... I asked "What in the fuck is a split rim?"

He said "It's a 2 piece rim that, if not handled properly can explode, maybe maim and kill bystanders.

I replied... "Well how about handling it properly and letting me get the fuck out of here."

"OH!!.. I'm not licensed to work on 'split rims'".... he replied... So he called up a person/company that was qualified to change/work on 'split rims...


"We'll be there in a couple of hours"... was their reply...

He bid me adieu and hauled ass... I was pissed...

HMMMM.... How's Jerry Springer doing??... Nothing special, just ugly, fat hookers getting bashed over the head with folding chairs head by their "man".

The "Split Rim" Specialist arrives with the proper tire and all of the proper equipment to change /replace the tire...

He finishes in about 20 min. and the bill was $485.00... I almost lost it. I had a 12 guage with 5 rounds of 00 buck, a Sig-Sauer .45 Auto, a Smith & Wesson revolver model 25-5 in Colt .45, an AK-47 with a case of 980 rounds of hollow point ammo... He left with my AMEX charge slip before I could get the weapons from the safe....

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Jason Everhardt 19:27:40
Hey Fargo...Welcome back, dude!!! Your vacation seems to be turning out like the line in the old Grateful Dead tune: "What a long, strange trip it's been!!!" At least the beer was cold; how resourceful. You must have been a boy scout.
I just got back from the Smokies and fortunately had luck on my side. Usually, that's not the case. My luck often has taken a turn for the worse. So much, in fact, that my father used to say: "Jason Everhardt... if you so much as take a piss in a bush along side of the road, you'll be hauled in for pissing in public and creating a general disturbance. Yes sir, Officer Oppie.
Breaking down in the middle of nowhere can be a rattling experience; especially if you're stuck in no man's land. My VW blew a CV joint in the Badlands of South Dakota. I was standed. But my misfortune turned around when out from nowhere appeared an Indian Brave. "How...," he said.
" Where?" was my reply. The native American went on to tell me of his fore-father, Chief Wampum Feather, leading his tribe of Fukari Indians to this very spot.
What a rush! It was a mystical experience. Not totally familiar with all the American Indian tribes, I asked this man to tell me about his people and how his tribe became known as the Fukari's.
"Many moons ago," the brave recited, "Chief Wampum Feather was pacing back and forth, up and down and all around; murmuring to himself in an inaudible fashion. When approached by one of the elders of the tribe and asked what was troubling him, Chief Wampun Feather told him that he feared for his tribes welfare."
"We're survivors...noble braves of the land!" said the elder. "What is it that you fear so much, my Son?"
Chief Wampum Feather exclaimed he could sum it up in five words: "Where the fuck are we????"
Hence the name; the Fukari's.
"Go in peace...Jason Everhardt," the brave did say. I thanked him for his candor. And, I thanked him for those wild mushrooms that tasted so bitter.
Strange trip indeed...Most peculiar momma.

Later!

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Fargo 06/22/99 13:30:58
O.K., I'm sitting on the side of the road with an overheating Motor Coach, 3 hot pups and a flat tire and my cell phone is in my pickup in Dallas. So, I cranked up the auxilary generator, turned on both roof A/C units, grabbed a cold, frosty malt beverage out of the fridge and turned on the T.V. to see if Jerry Springer could top what I was going through.

A kind and considerate trucker stopped and asked if he could help. I explained my situation and he started to smirk... then he started to laugh... hell, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. I asked him what was so funny. He said that since I had only gone 180 miles and still had 2820 miles to go on my round trip to the Carolinas and Virginia, with all the trouble I'd had, he'd turn around and go home...

He called a wrecker service to assist me and wished me luck.

I sat there and contemplated what he had said........

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Fargo 06/20/99 22:27:48
Kristen... trust me, it doesn't get better... I wish I had your enthusiasm.

O.K., I'm driving along I-20 eastbound at 45 mph with a single bolt holding all my fan belts together... (they're slipping badly) I'm looking for a motor home dealer when I see what looks like glass on the road ahead... It's not glass, it's steel shards .... I try to dodge them, but it's too late. Yep, you guessed it... a flat tire on the inside right duely (or dualy) ... DAMN... I pull to the side of the road and turn the air blue with ... well, you know...

More later...

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Kristen 20:58:35
Hi Fargo...welcome back. We missed you. Sorry to hear about you misadventure so far. I'm sure it gets better.
I have to tell you about the scene that I encountered on the bus in Beckley this afternoon. I had to take public transportation as I left my car at a party last night and ended up in a precarious situation. You know the old saying..."They always look so charming at closing time!'' I woke up this morning next to a smelly hillbilly from the Blue Ridge Mountains who was snoring, holding his jug of moonshine and slobbering all over his beard. "Gag me with a spoon!!!" I thought. So I tipped toed out the door and caught the next bus across town.
I wasn't a happy camper. I stunk to high heaven... smelling like I worked all night in a distillery. Sitting in an empty bus, I felt somewhat secure that I'll get to my car and home before I encounter too many people. Just then, the bus pulled over and these two foreigners step on the bus. And as luck would have it, they sat directly in front of me. "That figures," I said to myself. The entire bus was empty except for me and they picked the seat in front of me.
"Sente l'odore di come i pesci marci in qui!" the one fellow said. "Pesci marci!!!"
They turned around and started laughing. "Those assholes," I thought. At least they could have spoken english so I would have had a chance at defending myself. And what the hell was "Pesci marci!!!???"
They began to engage in animated conversation. I ignored their conversation at first, but my attention was galvanized when I heard one of the Italians say: "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," I retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the guy. "Imma justa tellun my brother howa to spella Mississippi. Inna my a country, we don'ta ''odore gradisce marci i pesci! PESCI MARCI either!!!"
There was that "Pesci marci" again.
Thank goodness my stop was next. I swiftly got of the bus and disappeared from sight. Two blocks later, I was safely in my car and on my way home. After taking a long shower, I got onto the net and searched for an Italian to English dictionary. I still remembered the words so clearly. "' ...odore gradisce marci i pesci!" I typed the words in the translation box and discovered the meaning of phrase: "smell like rotten fish!"
Serves me right, I guess. But as another old saying goes..."There is nothing more foul smelling than an anchovy's pussy." So how bad could I have been?

Love,
Kristen

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Fargo 06/20/99 20:27:22
O.K. si I pull into a truck stop and wait for an hour before some Bozo can take look at the Big Johnson. ... "Well... Uh.... we don't work on them motor homes"... So I say... "It's a fucking Dodge M-400 Truck chassis!!! If you removed this motor home carcas off the son of a bitch you'd have a Dodge M-400 TRUCK!!". Then this idiot says, "It's still a motor home. You'll have to take it to a motor home dealer". So I limp out of this truck stop at 45 MPH after putting 2 gal. of water in the raditor and limp along looking for a motor home dealer in the middle of nowhere.....
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Juaquin 23:44:25

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Fargo 06/19/99 16:42:35
Well, Boys and Girls... Over the next day or so I will share with you my....

VACATION FROM HELL!!!

On Wednesday, June 2, I left Dallas in the "Big Johnson" with my 3 dogs, "Big" AL, Odie and Beau headed for the Carolinas and Virginia.. I made it almost to the Louisiana line when a bolt snapped on the alternator... no water pump, no dash air cond. and no elec... Things went to shit after that... more later tonight...
Fargo...

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joe 08:43:36
no one here what a bummer
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