While at the chapel the funeral director gets chatting to the man
about what kind of service would be appropriate. The gay man says that
he
wants a form of service that is suitable to show how much he cared for
his partner.
The funeral director suggests a grand burial, but the man declines
this as he cannot face the idea of the worms and bugs crawling over his
partner, so the funeral director suggests cremation, but again the gay
man
doesn't want to see his partner burn. The funeral director is a bit lost
for ideas when the man says..
"Can you cut him up into small pieces and put him in a carrier bag so I
can take him home?"
The funeral director is a bit shocked by this and asks why, the man
replies
"So that I can put him in a pot and make a really spicy curry out of
him".
Even more shocked and disgusted the funeral director asks him why
he would want to do that, the gay replies......
"So that I can feel him dribbling out of my ass in the morning one last
time....."
18 July, 1999
Washington, DC - Hedging her bets for the upcoming 2000 New York senatorial race, First
Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced the formation of an "exploratory committee"
for a bid to replace aging Cuban president Fidel Castro.
While not an official declaration of her candidacy, the announcement is a first step in the race
for the Cuban dictatorship. It will allow her to raise campaign donations and legally establish
her own gulag on the island.
The news came last night after official documents were filed in Havana by Bobo, chief of Mrs.
Clinton's winged monkey guard.
"While I love the New York Yankees in the American League, and the Chicago Cubs in the
National League, I have always rooted for the Cuban national 'beisbol' team during the
Olympics," said Mrs. Clinton at a late White House press conference.
"Did I mention that my favorite American Association team is the Toledo Mudhens?" added
the First Lady as aides continued relaying fresh baseballs to her. "Oh, yes, and my favorite
Roller Derby team is the Bay City Bombers."
Mrs. Clinton said she had fallen "madly in love" with the island nation. "Everything about
Cuba is wonderful," said the First Lady. "The terrific Caribbean climate, the warm, welcoming
people, its brutal secret police force."
If installed as Cuba's Supreme Generalissimo, Mrs. Clinton said she would "continue
Presidente Castro's marvelous health care system, which has been a personal inspiration to
me."
The First Lady also vowed to end the U.S. trade embargo against Cuba, lobby for increased
sugar subsidies for North Korea and import more "rebuilt Hudson and Packard carburetor
parts." 1953 Hudson Hornets are a common mode of transportation on the island, surpassed
in popularity only by donkey carts and rickshaws.
Mrs. Clinton unexpectedly declined to promise an easing of US import restrictions on Cuban
cigars. "I can't even stomach those ... things," she explained.
The official announcement ended weeks of intense media speculation about Mrs. Clinton's
Cuban plans. In recent weeks, she has been a fixture in Havana, meeting local residents and
discussing their needs. Last week, she was seen touring the island in her familiar sedan chair,
borne by a cadre of White House eunuchs.
Aides said at the time that Mrs. Clinton was shopping the local real estate market for a
post-White House residence. According to one aide, she "discovered a darling two-bedroom
beachfront cardboard box" after lead eunuch Sidney Blumenthal succumbed to heat exhaustion.
Press speculation continued to grow after the Washington Post reported last week that
Cuba's lax residency requirements made a dictatorship bid by Mrs. Clinton "a real
possibility."
During her most recent trip, Mrs. Clinton even received an impromptu personal endorsement
from Cuban President-for-Life Fidel Castro. "I think she would make a fine dictator," he said
through an interpreter. "I have been a longtime admirer of Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. In fact, I have
tried to model my country on Arkansas."
President Castro, though, advised the First Lady to "wait until my body is safely in its eternal
glass casket" before grasping the reins of power in Cuba.
Mrs. Clinton's announcement was immediately hailed as a brilliant strategic political move by
many in the Washington press corps.
"The latest polls in New York show her trailing Mayor Giuliani by as many as eight points,
so the Cuban gambit is well-advised," said former White House consultant Dick Morris. "Her
polling numbers are slightly better in Havana, plus she will benefit from the lack of democratic
elections there."
Jonathan Alter of Newsweek magazine agreed, noting that "In New York, Hillary faces a stiff
challenge by a popular incumbent mayor and a powerful state Republican machine. In Havana,
she will only face token opposition from a pathetically outgunned underground resistance."
However, Alter conceded that "the First Lady could encounter a last-minute bid by an
invasionary force of rabid Cuban expatriates from Miami."
Some in the press were skeptical about the sincerity of Mrs. Clinton's Cuban announcement.
"Hillary has too much at stake in New York to risk another race in Cuba," conjectured Time
magazine's Margaret Carlson on CNN's Crossfire. "Maybe she is only doing this to raise cash
for her New York senate bid. She is, after all, an ideal cocaine mule."
Al Hunt of the Wall Street Journal agreed, noting that "Hillary could certainly hide at least
five or six one-kilo bags of nose candy on each hip, without anyone noticing."
Whatever her true intentions, Mrs. Clinton's latest political foray has sparked the imaginations
of the nation's opinion makers. The three major television networks have assigned over 700
full-time reporters to the Havana beat, and NBC news chief Andy Lack announced a new
all-Hillary cable network.
"HRC-NBC will provide round-the-clock coverage of the First Lady, keeping an anxious
public abreast of the latest developments in Cuba," said Lack. "I only pray that Jane Pauley
does not collapse from exhaustion."
At the White House, Mrs. Clinton's aides sought to dismiss criticism from some circles that
she was a "carpetbagging gringo."
"The First Lady is undergoing a crash course in Cuban culture, learning its mores and pace of
life," said close confidante Harold Ickes. "She is even taking Spanish lessons from Vice
President Gore."
Ickes added, "Mrs. Clinton is a quick study in languages. She is already on tape number 4 in
the Berliotz Brooklynese course."
To underscore the First Lady's commitment to Cuba, Ickes said that she will embark next
week on a 'listening tour' of Havana.
"She wants to hear the workaday concerns of typical Cubans," he said. "She is there to listen,
not preach. She will seek answers from the people, interrogating them in intimate isolation,
shining a bright light in their faces, until they confess their desires for the future."
Ickes also said that her concern for Cuba is a natural extension of Mrs. Clinton's long-held
interest in international human rights. "She wants to better the lives of all in the Global
Village," he said. "Today Cuba, tomorrow the world."
On a hot beach on the northern shore of Cuba, locals Fugencio Ramirez and Hernando Navarro
expressed excitement over Mrs. Clinton's potential assumption of power in Havana.
"Si, Mrs. Hillary will continue the miracle of the 1957 revolution long, long after the death of
comrade Castro," said Ramirez, roping together several empty oil drums, in what he described
as a "patriotic art project."
Navarro agreed, noting that "we and all the children of the glorious revolution look forward to
the rein of comrade Hillary. She will remain in the vanguard against Yanqui imperialism and
colonialism."
"By the way, gringo," asked Navarro, peering across the Strait of Florida, "what are the latest
shark reports?"
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer
became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information
when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her
look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her response....click.
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had
her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and
that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting
an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the
map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at
8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I
told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and
I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I
came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every
time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big
animal!"
According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency
received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
to tell you it was horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
GOVERNMENT POLICY:
SNAKE ATTACK
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its
volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case
you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake
in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to
thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred
pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is
faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your
sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you
from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to
swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You
must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very
gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the
edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards,
severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
A Baptist couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the The
minister.
He asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women can't dance together?"
"Yes," says the minister, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the minister. "A duty within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the minister.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the minister."How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the minister....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"People might think you're dancing!"
***********************************************************************
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When
they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the
animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the
dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This
stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
**************************************************************************
Jesus was walking by the square, when he saw a woman tied up in the
middle of a crowd. "what is going on?" he asked. "this woman
is a prostitute, and we shall stone her!" so jesus replied, "he who is
without sin: let him throw the first stone!" and everyone slowly
walked away, until one middle aged woman was left. she hefted a heavy
brick, and let fly, hitting the prostitute on the head and
killing her. Jesus turned to her in exasperation and said, " sometimes
you really piss me off, mom..."
***************************************************************************
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest
turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a requirement of your faith
that
you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and
went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot
better than pork isn't it?"