THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot
babe moved into the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing softball without wearing a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes “look bigger.”
male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call “f---ing” to get women to f---.
Blowjob Etiquette For Men (As Stated By Anita Mann)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls
if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".
(How dry is it?)
It's so dry, you have to prime a man before he can spit...
It's so dry, even the catfish have fleas...
Here's a laugh....
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a
naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to
get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story:
his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you
can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would
ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how
far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary
to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect
the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the
woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not
totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they
don't know how to cook them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless
her name is Tracy...
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law
how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the
hell over there.
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty
much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. If a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
"You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the "public ugliness" ordinance.
24. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
QUESTION #1:
Name the Beatles -- both the first and last name of each, of course.
Consider this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this one without
thinking, close up the test, and move on to something else. We have
nothing further to discuss.] ____________________
QUESTION #2:
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, __ __!"
Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we
remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.
QUESTION #3:
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ____ _____ _____ ____.
QUESTION #4:
What do M & M's do? ____ __ ____ _____, ___ __ ____ ____.
QUESTION #5:
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ______ _____.
QUESTION #6:
Long before he was "Mohammed Ali," before he was "The Greatest," we knew
him as _________ ______.
QUESTION #7:
"You'll wonder where the yellow went, ___ ____ ____ ____ ___ ___ ___."
QUESTION #8:
Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabes, know Bob Denver as the
Skipper's little buddy." But true boomers know that Bob Denver is
actually Dobie's closest friend, _______ _. _____.
QUESTION #9:
"M-I-C: See ya real soon; K-E-Y... ___? _______ __ ____ ___. _ _ _ _
_!"
QUESTION #10:
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the
lobby of the girls' dormitory, _____.
QUESTION #11:
"Brylcream... _ ______ ___'__ __ __."
QUESTION #12:
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ____ __.
QUESTION #13:
>From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder ... wonder who; ___ ____ ___ ____ __ ____?"
QUESTION #14:
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War... uh-huh,
huh... yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."
QUESTION #15:
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just
as profound: Where have all the flowers gone?
Perhaps you could use a little help here:
Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the flowers gone? _____ _____ ______ ____ _____ ___."
QUESTION #16:
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice, and ___ ________ ___.
QUESTION #17:
He came out of the University of Alabama, to became one of the best
quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. Later, he went on to appear in
TV commercial wearing women's stockings.
He is Broadway ___ ______.
QUESTION #18:
I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man.
I'm strong to the finish, ____ _ ___ __ _______.
I'm Popeye the sailor man."
QUESTION #19:
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was most recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
____ ______.
QUESTION #20:
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman,
was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing:
________.
QUESTION #21:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a
ne'er-do-well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of
parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an
unsuccessful escape attempt, the camp commander (played by Strother
Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners,
explaining, "What we have here is _ _______ __ ___________."
QUESTION #22:
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race
for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just
think, you won't have _______ _____ to kick around any more."
QUESTION #23:
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot
six, and weighed 245.
Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, __ ___ ____, ___ ___ ____."
QUESTION #24:
"I found my thrill, __ _________ ____."
You may remember Richie Cunningham saying this. But if you are a true
boomer, you know it was ____ ______ who made this line famous.
QUESTION #25:
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _________ ___ ___."
This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But
in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.
QUESTION #26:
"Good night, David." "____ _____, ____."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The bigger the boobs.... the better the babe"...
Be Careless...
Fargo
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a
naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to
get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story:
his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you
can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would
ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how
far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary
to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect
the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the
woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not
totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they
don't know how to cook them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless
her name is Tracy...
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law
how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the
hell over there.
Fargo
General of the Air Force
Washington, DC
Dear Sir,
I am writing this letter in the hope that you can provide me with some
information.
I would like to become a fighter pilot and wondered if you could recommend
some course of study that will help me achieve my goal. I am in very good
condition and have excellent eyesight. I am sure I can be a fighter pilot
but I need to get a little head start on some courses to study.
I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
D.J. Wingnut
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain
has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of
fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from
the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous,
back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being
extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your
budding dreams of becoming an USN pilot, I offer the following alternative.
What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exiting, challenging, and
rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing-the
venerable, workhorse C-130!
I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship
formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to interpret a
9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all
while eating a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the
navigator puking in his trash can! I tell you, DJ, TAC Airlift is where
it's at. Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the
back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't
open and it torpedos the General's staff car! No where else can you land on a
3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off the ramp without even
stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you
you've landed on the wrong LZ!
And talk about exotic travel-when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere
(usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to
immerse yourself in the culture enough to give any local population a bad
taste in their mouths, not something those strat-lift pilots can do from
their airport hotel rooms!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these. Take a
lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can
muster to facilitate the calculation of per diem rates around the world,
and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really
believes he owes 85% of the whole thing. Health sciences are important,
too.
You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated
guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the
shits catches up to you from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly
dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even
pronounce! Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good
TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the
exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world, then
be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he
offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture. A foreign
language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce
the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and
go where you want to anyway. A study of geography is also paramount. You
will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you
get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that
huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall, right next to that
gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget
about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A
nice, big state college would be a much better choice.
Good luck and see you on the SKE scope!
Maj. Hunter
Fargo
Fresh out of business school, I answered a want ad for an
accountant position. The interviewer was a very nervous man
who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" I said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see..."
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" I exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring
books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any
crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons.' Do you see what
I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them
fuckin' crayons?"
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the
blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm
street and there was a terrible accident. A man was
thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the
street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and
there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep
from fainting!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again. This time, he is crouched behind tree stump.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
A couple of miles down the road, Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf yet again, this time crouched down behind
a road sign. "My, what teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
The irritable, Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you kindly get lost! I'm trying to take a shit!"
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending
all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know
how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think
I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
BENSALEM, Pa. — Bumper stickers that ask "How's my driving?" are fairly common on commercial
vehicles. Now some communities are letting motorists rate teen-agers, too.
"How's my teen driving? 1-877-TAKE-KEYS," read the bumper stickers that allow drivers to report
recklessness among young drivers.
"He knows he has a thousand eyes on him," said 48-year-old Dennis Probst of Deptford, N.J., whose
16-year-old son recently got his license. "This makes me a little more comfortable, gives me a little
more peace of mind."
Similar stickers have been spotted in California, Missouri, Texas and Florida. Most programs work the
same way: A bumper sticker with the number and a personal identification code is affixed to the teen's
car. A motorist sees the teen behaving badly, calls the number and reports the infraction. The hot line
reports the incident to the teen's parents.
"It makes the kids so darned paranoid that they become better drivers," said Tom Deats, a Texas police
officer whose service, 1-800-4MY-TEEN, has enrolled 2,000 teen-aged drivers in the United States
and Canada.
Not everyone loves the idea.
"That sucks," said Katie Smithe, 16. "I'm not a good driver. My parents would be getting calls 24-7."
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor.
He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know, a
cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the
bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you
were going, Boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask
me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal
sarcastic
fashion, "That's speeding, and you are getting a ticket and a fine!".
The
cop took a good look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said,
"You
don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen any one so
scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I have a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, and said,
"What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, Boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher
do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched,
so I
go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a
couple
more, and then one hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther
and
farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What
the
hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give him a radar gun and stick him at
the
end of a bridge!"
Love,
Kristen