Slicker left Comedy Corner at 08:12:21

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you prove
otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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eaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilzation.
**********************
Two friends were discussing the origin of wrinkles, and more specifically crow's feet, in men and women.

Women get crows feet from talking to men, usually with a comment like (imagine face scrunched up) "You wanna put WHAT, WHERE?????"

"Men on the other hand, get crows feet from talking to women, usually saying (also with face scrunched up) "PLEEEEEEEEAAASSSSEEEEEE???"
*********************************
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
***************************************
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man withthe Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog. And, by law you are not allowed to discriminate against the handicapped."
The bouncer said, "Yes you are right, but a Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "Come on in."
His buddy with the Chihuahua figured why not? He put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Fuckin' Chihuahua?!?!"
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A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
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WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = ¤50 and it doesn't look
that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.

and FINALLY...(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick
any freakin' dress and let's go home!
************************************
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs,
and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able
to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind,
his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral!"
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU ASSHOLE! It's two AM !
*******************************
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.

7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).

9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day!!

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.



Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day!!

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

1. Repeat number 9.
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And Finally....... Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Biloxi. The week flew by & they all had a great time. After they returned home & the men went back to work, they sat around at break & discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers 7 come 11 all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there & she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard & I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! ...My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there & I wake up each morning with a sore cock & a butt full of quarters.
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Have a great rest of the weekend.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly
toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the
pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on
the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It
bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto
the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the
downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the
water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the
ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog
and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright
and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole
in one. Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad!"

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age," says the
doctor.
The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good
Lord looks out for me."
"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.
The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I
had to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the
light for me so I wouldn't fall down."
"That's nice," said the doctor. "Send your wife in now, please"

The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape
for a woman your age."
She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I dont smoke ...."
The doctor interrupts, "and the good Lord looks after you, right?"
The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"
The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing ---
he said that the good Lord looks after him --- like the other night when
he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him..."

"Son-of-a-bitch," she said, "he's pissing in the refridgerator, again!"

Clinton said, "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my
hands are full."

The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!"

President Clinton responded, "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine,
they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"

The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"

The President then responded, "I got this one for Hillary, and this one
for Chelsea."

The Marine guard then replied, "Yes Sir! Good trade, Sir!"

She said that first, thought, she would like to meet the President
of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller
seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the
paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right $3
million, telephoned the President"s secretary to obtain an appointment for
the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to
know the people she did business with on a more personal level.

The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum
of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.

He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly
woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars. "I bet," she
stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied. "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things
with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00
o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the
day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no
chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and
waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.

He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed
$25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her
was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in
the office, she informed the president that he was here as her lawyer and
she always took him along when there was that much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've
always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering
the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure
enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across
the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he
inquired.

"Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock
this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what
God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."