Lessons I've learned...
I've learned that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to
destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for
about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd
better have a lot of money or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are
more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what
we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones
just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke" in 6 languages.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe something good will happen. If
not... tough shit.
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark
side,
and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting
thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer
the
modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which
happen
from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe,
with
one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man
doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe
when
it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
a
lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of
the
universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to
produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't
know
what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was
dictated
but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing.
It's
not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent
life
exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact
us."
Terry Pratchett: "The current state of knowledge can be summarized thus:
In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded."
Thanks, Rich...
Lessons I've learned...
I've learned that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to
destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for
about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd
better have a lot of money or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are
more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what
we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones
just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke" in 6 languages.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe something good will happen. If
not... tough shit.
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try
his
luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his
surprise, she asks him to join her for drink and eventually asks him
if
he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her house,
they
dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. She gives this fellow
the
best night of his life with great blowjobs, anal sex, titty sex, armpit
sex... THE WORKS!
Finally, the fellow is completely worn out, and he reaches for a
cigarette
from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks
the
girl if she has one.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches
sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy
begins
to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, I don't have a boyfriend," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?!" demands the bewildered guy.
She tells him, "That was me before the operation!"
To be a liberal...
... you have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
... you have to believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to
read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
... you have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
... you have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat
than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
... you have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented
changes in the brilliance of the Sun and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
... you have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
... you have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but pasty Green activists do.
... you have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to
earn it.
... you have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
... you have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
... you have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that
PBS does.
... you have to believe the NRA is bad because they stand up for certain parts of the
Constitution, while the ACLU is good because they stand up for certain parts of the
Constitution.
... you have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
... you have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln or Thomas Edison.
... you have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
... you have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
... you have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is
because the right people haven't been in charge.