October 18
Leno
President Clinton may visit Vietnam in the year 2000. I guess he found that draft notice on his desk.
Are you excited about Halloween? I'm going to bring a 15 year old girl with me and go out as Michael Douglas.
Lucy Lawless, "Xena Warrior Princess" had a baby boy over the weekend. She not only delivered it herself, she bit off the umbilical cord and she and the
baby ran off into the forest.
Conan
Zigfried and Roy are no longer lovers. But they have agreed to stay together until the tigers finish college.
The police department in Providence, Rhode Island is under investigation. After losing $20,000 worth of cocaine, the police chef said he has no idea what
happened to the cocaine in his speech that lasted over 11 hours.
Friday Night October 15
Leno
President Clinton was late for his press conference. I wonder what he could be doing for 5 minutes?
As you know, Bill and Hillary bought a new home in Westchester County in New York. They have hardly any furniture because they have always lived in
government housing. You know those "lovebirds" all they need is a bed.
Finally, some good news for the Clinton administration. It seems Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt has been cleared by an Independent Council of all
charges. It took 7 years, looks like we found a member of the Clinton cabinet that is innocent.
Letterman
Happy Birthday to Tito Jackson. He's 46 years old today. He is celebrating like he always does: calling his brother Michael and asking for money.
Congratulations to Larry King and his "19th" wife. They just had a baby boy, he will be the "Gerber Baby." So, whenever you buy Gerber baby food, you
see Larry King's boy and coincidentally, you'll see Larry King on adult diapers.
Conan
Scientists have found that contrary to popular belief, brain cells do regenerate. After hearing about it, Keanu Reeves said "that's great but what does
regenerate mean?"
Things must be going better for Frank and Kathy Lee's marriage. They have announced that they are performing together for an upcoming charity benefit.
They are raising money for an especially needy group. The children that make Kathy Lee's clothes.
Kilborn
Who's getting ready for Halloween? My friend and I bought the John and Patsy Ramsey Costumes. We are going to soap windows, throw eggs, throw
toilet paper. Basically, get away with murder.
Thursday Night October 14
Leno
It was so hot today. I was sweating like the Ramseys waiting for the Grand Jury to come back.
The Phillip Morris Tobacco Cartel shocked the nation by admitting that cigarettes are dangerous and do cause cancer. President Clinton said today that
Phillip Morris waited way too long to admit that cigarettes cause cancer. You know how Clinton feels. When you have been caught doing something, you
should admit it right away. Not weasel out of it.
Donald Trump said that if he is elected President, he will waive his presidential salary and work for free. He figures that way, none of his ex-wives can't get
any alimony.
Letterman
Hillary Clinton is saying she is pulling for both the Yankees and the Mets. In that respect, she's a lot like her husband. He is for marriage AND adultery.
Conan
The presidential race is heating up. Al Gore and Bill Bradley have agreed to a televised debate. Under the terms, there will be a moderator who asks each
candidate a question, and is then kept awake with a cattle prod.
Kilborn
Christmas is around the corner and Mattel has made a new Ricky Martin doll. Go in to the store. It's easy to find. It's directly under the Ken doll.
Wednesday night October 13
Leno
Big story. It just happened. The DA in Boulder, Colorado has decided to NOT arrest anyone. Looks like the Ramseys' check finally cleared.
Dan Quayle told this week's Newsweek Magazine he is glad he dropped out of the presidential race. Said that now he can devote his time to what he is
going to be for Halloween.
O.J. Simpson finally had a good day today. The Buffalo Bills retired his jersey today, with his NEW number, it's 9-l-l.
The Governor of California signed a new bill aimed at protecting child actors. I guess they figure that since Michael Jackson's single again, they need all
the protection they can get.
Letterman
Here we have the latest poll numbers. Donald Trump, running for president, leading Warren Beatty, running for president in the polls by 6 girlfriends.
Monica Lewinsky's father is talking about suing the TV show "Law and Order" because they refer to oral sex on that show, as getting a "Lewinsky." You
wouldn't want anything to tarnish the great Lewinsky name.
Conan
It was reported that Mick Jagger has moved back in with Jerry Hall just so he can be with his children. And then someone pointed out at he can be
anywhere and be near his children.
Kilborn
Marie Osmond turned 40 years old today. She spent the day like she usually does: giving birth to a Mormon child.
Tuesday Night October 12
Leno
Happy Anniversary to President Clinton and his lovely wife, Hillary. Yesterday, they celebrated their 24th wedding anniversary. 24 years is a long time for a
guy to be cheating on his wife.
The Boulder, Colorado Grand Jury. Don't they just work at lighting speed? Amazing. It seems just like 3 years ago. I guess they are scheduled to come out
with any indictments by tomorrow in the Jon Benet-Ramsey case. You know, it's been so long, I forget which parent did it.
In New Zealand, the man who received the world's first hand transplant, has been arrested by the police and accused of credit card fraud. He had a great
lawyer. He said the "signature on that card is not my clients' handwriting." It's not even his hand.
Letterman
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary, celebrating their 24th wedding anniversary. Call me a romantic, but I still think it's great that after 24 years, these two
can still they can still fake a relationship.
It's a real rough time for O.J. Poor guy now can't keep a girlfriend long enough to kill her.
Maher
Planet Hollywood is bankrupt. The chain Planet Hollywood. Nine of them closed here. Bruce Willis says there is still hope. All they need is a little publicity
and then he introduced his new movie, "Die Hard-try the chicken fingers."
Conan
Michael Jackson and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce. Reportedly, she wants custody of their kids and he wants custody of their kids
friends.
Some recent bits from the Late Show Archives..
Leno
Happy Anniversary to President Clinton and his lovely wife, Hillary. Yesterday, they celebrated their 24th wedding anniversary. 24 years is a long time for a
guy to be cheating on his wife.
The Boulder, Colorado Grand Jury. Don't they just work at lighting speed? Amazing. It seems just like 3 years ago. I guess they are scheduled to come out
with any indictments by tomorrow in the Jon Benet-Ramsey case. You know, it's been so long, I forget which parent did it.
In New Zealand, the man who received the world's first hand transplant, has been arrested by the police and accused of credit card fraud. He had a great
lawyer. He said the "signature on that card is not my clients' handwriting." It's not even his hand.
Letterman
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary, celebrating their 24th wedding anniversary. Call me a romantic, but I still think it's great that after 24 years, these two
can still they can still fake a relationship.
It's a real rough time for O.J. Poor guy now can't keep a girlfriend long enough to kill her.
Maher
Planet Hollywood is bankrupt. The chain Planet Hollywood. Nine of them closed here. Bruce Willis says there is still hope. All they need is a little publicity
and then he introduced his new movie, "Die Hard-try the chicken fingers."
Conan
Michael Jackson and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce. Reportedly, she wants custody of their kids and he wants custody of their kids
friends.
Monday Night October 11
Leno
Donald Trump said on Larry King Live the other night that people just want to hear the truth and he's just the straight shooter that people are looking for.
A real estate developer, who's a casino owner who wants to become a politician. Isn't that the triple crown of lying?
Hillary Clinton spent the weekend in Iceland. Isn't that redundant?
Boxing history made over the weekend when the first man vs. woman professional boxing match was held. The woman Margaret McGregor won all four
rounds. Not only did she win the match, but Hillary hired her as an intern.
Letterman
I guess you know by now that Donald Trump is running for president. And running with him on the ticket for vice president is Oprah Winfrey. I just pray to
God my passport is valid.
Bad news. Michael Jackson is getting a divorce. He and his wife, Debbie, of 3 years are splitting up. Michael said he would now like to pretend to see
other women.
It was a bad week for Michael Jackson. First the divorce and then today, he was at Heathrow Airport in London, where he got the crap beat out of him
because he was mistaken for Diana Ross.
Conan
Presidential candidate George W. Bush disclosed recently that he made $18 million dollars last year. Steve Forbes, when hearing about it said "See, the
guy's a loser!"
Kilborn
TV Chef Julia Child is making a comeback with a cooking show at the age of 87. Isn't that great? There is a special provision in her contract that says if
she, God forbid, dies on the set, she will be cremated and immediately served over rice.
Happy Birthday to Luke Perry, from TV's Beverly Hills 90210. He turned 33 today. A spokesman for Luke said he spent the day with his 2 closest friends.
His left and right sideburns.
Friday Night October 8
Leno
Michael Jackson has filed for divorce. So, kids watch out. He's single again.
What do you think about Donald Trump running for president? A lot of people say that Trump could have a tough time 'cause he has a lot of skeletons in
his closet. Those aren't skeletons, those are supermodels he's dating.
A Wisconsin brewery is coming out with a new beer. Republican Ale is what it's called. It's Republican 'cause I guess you can still get really drunk on it, but
not so drunk that you would actually give money to poor people.
Letterman
Here's a program reminder if you care about this kind of thing. O. J. Simpson is going to be on the television program "Arliss." I believe it's the episode
where Arliss is brutally murdered.
Al Gore of course has been campaigning in New York. This guy is so dull, he can put a Starbucks asleep.
Conan
In a new poll, Time magazine asked people which public figure was the most phony. The number one answer was Geraldo Rivera. And immediately after
hearing this, Geraldo pretended to be extremely offended.
Thursday Night October 7
Leno
It seems that the judge has ruled that former "Playmate of the Year" Anna Nicole Smith is, after a long legal battle, entitled to half of the estate of her 90
year old billionaire husband. Only married 14 months, she stands to inherit 500 million dollars. I thought she was well endowed before. I guess the
honeymoon lasted an entire month. But that was just him trying to get her bra off.
So, our choices for president are Donald the Trump, Bush the Chump, Gore the Lump, or Buchanan the Rump.
You know what the favorite "break up" line is? "You deserve someone better."
Letterman
They have one of those bets, the mayors of New York and Arlington, Tx. If the Rangers win the series, they get a one ton New York City cheesecake. If
the Yankees win, they get George W. Bush's old drug dealer.
Maher
It looks like Donald Trump is going to run for president. Well, he had closed door meetings with Jesse Ventura all day yesterday. Now there's a meeting of
the minds. Trump admitted he really didn't want to be president. He just wanted a wrestler who could get his phone number to Sable.
Conan
I've got some good news for you. According to a recent study, having one or two beers a day cuts down on your chance of having a heart attack. The
study also shows that having 9 or 10 beers a day cuts down on your chance of having a relationship.
Wednesday Night October 6
Leno
Al Gore officially opened up his headquarters in Tennessee today. He said he wanted to get out of the beltway. That is the same reason that Monica
moved to New York.
There is a new biography about President Reagan. They say that the author ignored the facts, obscured the truth and hid the real details of Reagan's
time in office. In fact, today Clinton called the author and asked "How about doing MY biography?"
Letterman
The mayors from Arlington, Tx and here in New York City, they have one of those bets. If New York City loses, they have to send a ton of hot dogs from
Nathan's. If the Yankees win, Hillary has to run for Senate from Texas.
They say that Bill Bradley is kind of dull. But after 8 years of "party boy" maybe a little dullness might not be a bad thing.
Maher
You know where Hillary Clinton is? She is in Poland. She's there to celebrate 10 years of democracy. And also, by the way, to promote her new book, it
takes a village to screw in a light bulb.
Conan
Don Trump has told reporters that he will decide by January if he's going to run for president. And Trump says that if he does run, he wants the entire
country to sign a pre inaugural agreement.
New York Transit Authority announced that it is accepting applications for subway operators. The applicants must have a high school diploma, 5 years
work experience, and speak no known language.
Kilborn
Former President Jimmy Carter is asking Bill Clinton to pardon Patty Hearst because she has been a "model citizen" to which Clinton replied "What kind of
modeling are we talking here?"
The Reform Party is now pushing for Oprah Winfrey to be president of the United States. If Oprah runs, her campaign would most likely focus on the
environment, health care and "how to keep your man, girlfriend."
Love Kristen
Your clock on this site is fucked up!!...It's off by 1:15
I just posted this on the msg board... now here...
In the supermarket today, was an ad for "Lesbian Milk"... No kidding...
Here's the ad...
MILK... $1.98 Gal. Homo
Hmmmmm....
Should we buy it???
In the supermarket today, was an ad for "Lesbian Milk"... No kidding...
Here's the ad...
MILK... $1.98 Gal. Homo
Hmmmmm....
What do you think???
Fargo