In eastern Pennsylvania, a dead woman was elected to the city council. She won by 4 votes. When you think about
it, a dead politician has a lot of advantages. She won't steal any money, won't give long speeches and she still has more
personality than Al Gore and Bill Bradley combined.
According to a new survey, only 13% of American woman are natural blondes. And in LA, only 13% of blondes are natural
anything.
Today is former heavyweight boxing champ Larry Holmes 50th birthday. He celebrated the usual way. Driving past Don
King's house trying to get a glimpse of his money.
It was so windy today that my cabdriver was wearing a turban with a chin strap. It was so windy here today that Hillary
Clinton was blown back to her home state.
Donald Trump is running for president. His campaign slogan will be "Keno girls and free cocktails." Donald says when he is
elected president he will run the United States the same as his casino empire. In that case, things will still be the same in the
White House. We will still have hookers in the lobby.
If you're a reader of the tabloids, you know there are 3 of them. The Star, the Enquirer and the Globe. Now, they may
merge. The Star and the Enquirer already part of the same company. It's a very complicated offer involving swapping stocks
for pictures of Liz Taylor's ass.
George W. Bush in the news. In an interview, he denies that he is a Republican version of Bill Clinton. He says he is a
neutered version of Bill Clinton.
The game show "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" just announced that it needs to find more female contestants for the
show. Apparently, most women that want to be millionaires just marry and divorce Donald Trump.
Gillette has introduced a new cream that stops facial hair growth on women. As soon as it's approved, it will be available at
your doctor, your pharmacy and throughout Italy.
Republican front runner George W. Bush escaped serious injury when he was jogging. He dove out of the way to avoid a
truck that was tipping over. He did such a good job at taking a dive he was named Mike Tyson's next opponent.
Bush was very lucky. He just had minor injuries. I guess it was the first time in a long time that his nose was bleeding from
natural causes.
Al Gore sad that he plans to keep controversial feminist author Naomi Wolf on as an advisor. One of her more controversial
views is that children should be taught masturbation in our schools as an alternative to abstinence. Forget teaching it in the
schools. How about teaching it in the Oval Office?
During his speech in Atlanta earlier in the week, Clinton was interrupted by a 93 year old woman who demanded a kiss. He
went down to kiss her and then, out of force of habit, Clinton got her a job to shut her the hell up.
Vice President Al Gore, running for president has hired a feminist author as his campaign manager. He said he's going for
the "chick" vote.
John McCain looks pretty good but they are saying that he has a volcanic temper. But that can a nice change from what
we have now. We have a president with volcanic pants.
George W. Bush was joggingand was almost hit by a garbage truck. He is consistent though. His life flashed before his
eyes. Only thing was, the 70's were missing.
George W. Bush said that he loves his family more than anything and that he has 2 lovely, 17 year old twin daughters.
Immediately after that, Bush was endorsed by Clinton.
Voters went to the polls in San Francisco today to decide whether or not to stop banks from double charging ATM
customers. And also, which of San Francisco's 3 languages the ATM's should use. English, spanish or lisp.
This kid made me so mad last night. 5 seconds after he rings the doorbell, he punches me in the face. I said, "Who are
you supposed to be?" and he said "Mike Tyson."
I don't know what presented more danger for the kids this year. The fact that John and Patsy Ramsey are free or that
Michael Jackson is single. I don't know which is more frightening.
They celebrated Halloween for the first time in France. One woman shaved her legs and went out as an American.
Kids love coming to my house for Halloween. You know Burger King? I pass out those little Burger King ketchup packets.
I just don't get as many kids as I use to coming to my house. Maybe it's the electric fence.
I live in a fancy neighborhood. And the kids got carried away and pelted my house with Eggs Benedict.
The charity that received the most donations last year was Salvation Army. 1.2 billion dollars. YMCA came in second with
600 million dollars. The spokesman for YMCA was upbeat and said "We may have come in second, but when was the last
time you heard a request for the Village People's Salvation Army at a wedding?"
Here's one....
A Jewish man in Florida, in his 80's, calls his son, in New York. The
father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles
here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and
we are divorcing. That's it!!! I want to live out the rest of my years
in peace. I am telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into
shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons
and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."
She calls Miami and gets her father, on the phone. She pleads to her
father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We will be there Friday
night."
The father says, "All right, all right already". He hangs up the
phone, and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Rosh Hashanah.
Now, what are we going to tell them for Passover?"