So he walks into the shop and sees an elderly Chinese
gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How
did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry"?
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago
when come to this country, was stand in line at
Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede.
Lady at desk look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans
Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, "What your name?"
"I say, Sem Ting."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
"Howard, You're a veterinarian."
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that
I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of
tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them
say, 'Look, he's moving!"
Another close call for George W. Bush. Remember 2 weeks ago he was jogging and was almost hit? He went into a think
tank yesterday and almost drowned!
This past weekend marked 45 years when Ellis Island closed. Remember, that's where the immigrants used to come into
this country? It has since been replaced by California and Texas.
You know what Pokemon is? It's short for "pocket monster." It's like a huge deal and I'm thinking, "Haven't kids been
playing with those for years?"
How many people watched the big "earthquake hits New York City" movie? Okay, here's what happens. Buildings collapse,
cabs are driving on the sidewalk, trains are derailed. THEN, the earthquake hits! And the jolt was so powerful, that Hillary
Clinton was knocked back to her home state.
George W. Bush's autobiography comes out this week. What everyone wanted to know was about his drug days, when he
was young. The most he admits to is "some of the excesses of the youth of my time." What does that mean? The closest I
can get is, not only did he do coke and drink ... he slept with Mick Jagger.
A man in Washington state has invented a new briefcase that turns into a portable toilet. Which means from now on, the
guy in the restaurant using his cell phone won't seem so bad.
Disney is canceling the plans to make the sequel to the movie "Peter Pan." The main reason is that Peter is close to 50
now and it's just too creepy that he keeps showing up in kids bedrooms.
The other day, a woman on an Air New Zealand flight felt something crawling up her leg. When she lifted he blanket, she
discovered it was a rat. When that happens on Air Force One, people HOPE it's a rat.
Prince Charles turned 51 yesterday. The Prince spent the day riding his horse. But, enough about Camilla Parker Bowles. Every year he asks his mother for the same thing...her job!
There was a shareholder's meeting for Microsoft yesterday in Seattle, WA. Not a good sign. Apparently, Bill Gates has
urged the shareholders to "drink the Koolaid."
All State Insurance announced they are laying off about 4000 workers. Our "good hands" people are down to about one
finger right about now.
Yesterday was Veteran's Day. President Clinton celebrated this Veteran's Day just like he has every Veteran's Day. He flew to
England and lit up a joint.
Are you excited about the Pokemon movie? I love the Pokemon. If there is one thing I cannot get enough of, it's crappy
Japanese animation.
They are saying that Michael Jackson is NOT the biological father of his two children. What a huge relief for those kids! So,
Michael Jackson not the father of his kids and they are saying that he never had sex with the mother. Come on. What's
next? OJ's guilty?
President Clinton did Yesterday what all presidents do on Veteran's Day. He put a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,
which made George W. Bush very nervous. His aides had to tell him "Look, no one knows who this guy is."
At a benefit, Kathie Lee Gifford said in her next life, she wants to come back as Rosie O'Donell. Meanwhile, a spokesman
for the rest of the country said that if Kathie Lee gets a new life, they don't WANT to come back.
Do you all remember the Village People? They are releasing a new version of their hit single, "YMCA." And 8 cents from
each copy sold will be donated to the actual "YMCA. There is still no word from the YMCA on how they will spend this
anticipated 24 cent windfall.
Our good friend and next senator from the state of New York, Hillary Clinton is in Israel visiting the Israeli Prime Minister.
George W. Bush, if you're with us tonight get yourself a pencil. The Prime Minister's name is Ehud Barak.
Hillary is really sucking up to the Israelis. She's saying "You know, my husband's last girlfriend was Jewish."
During an internet chat the other night, President Clinton said that in the future, world leaders will have to deal with
"miniature weapons of mass destruction." After hearing this, Hillary said that "he already HAS a miniature weapon of mass
destruction."
I am very happy to announce that Monica Lewinsky is dating now. She's dating her personal trainer. The guy is very
strong, he can benchpress over 300 lbs. That means Monica can be on top.
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the crumbling of the Berlin Wall. If George W. Bush happens to be watching, the Berlin Wall
was located in...Berlin.
Congratulations to Jerry Seinfeld, he's getting married. Jerry was dating this married woman and now they're getting
married. I think it's great for Jerry. He doesn't have to worry about Jerry Seinfeld stealing his wife.
One embarrassing thing for Jerry Seinfeld. He wanted to give her an engagement ring but couldn't slip it over her wedding
band.
The New Yorker printed George W. Bush's' grades from college yesterday . Mostly C's. His campaign tried to put a good spin
on it. They said "This shows that there's no evidence that he used cocaine to stay up and study."
Magician David Copperfield is finally talking about his breakup with model Claudia Schiffer. Their busy work schedules got
in the way of their relationship. David opened up about Claudia and said she has become quite the magician herself. There's
a trick she does where she makes her lunch disappear and then reappear.
Today when they asked George W. Bush about Kosovo, he said "I just shop at PriceClub. I don't know."
Last night, President Clinton took part in what's being called his first online chat. Using his real name, that is!
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra, as you know arrested Friday on some domestic dispute. Busting up a hotel room.
Apparently they were fighting over who gets custody of the brain.
The judge has ordered them to stay 500 feet away from each another. The judge said the
distance is based on the size of Dennis' ego and the size of Carmen's breast implants.
Yesterday it was the Annual New York City marathon. The winner from the mens' division was a runner from Kenya. So,
Hillary is right, you don't need to be from here to run.
Here's some staggering news. 80% of New York City 8th graders failed general knowledge tests. But that is still better than
George W. Bush.
Here's the difference between George W. Bush and President Clinton. President Clinton not only would have been able to
give you the names of every world leader, but he would also be able to give you the names of their interns.
President Clinton was quite charming. He said that he didn't know that much about computers. He and Hillary still do it the
old fashioned way. They exchange little notes to each other, just like when they first met. Except now, they are called
depositions.
Speaking of computers, the ruling went against Microsoft last week. Bill Gates said "Okay, Microsoft is a bit predatory, we
created a monopoly, and yes, we're responsible for the Y2K problem, but hey, you've got to love that dancing paper clip!
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do I really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a
wet, slick surface next to a glass door!
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be
making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting.
They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when
you land.
Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're
increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go
faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on,
they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
Sunday paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax."Oh, by the way,
here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can
they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week
and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us
the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive,
people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if
they don't signal, if they tailgate at 80 mph, if they can't parallel
park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad
penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food
between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit,
missed a spot shaving...........
In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow
cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
TV quiz shows are making a huge comeback which is NOT good news for George W. Bush. seems he could not name
some heads of state around the world. An aid to Bush criticized the reporter saying that "Bush is running for president not
trying to be a contestant on Jeopardy." This is the only country in the world that has higher standards for game show
contestants than we do for the president of the United States.
Monica Lewinsky has a new love in her life. It's her personal trainer. This poor woman has every guy in her life telling her to
get on her knees and work up a sweat.
There's a new book about Hillary. It says that Hillary dumped her first boyfriend because he wasn't ambitious enough. She
was waiting for Mr. Right!
A dead woman was elected to the City Council in Pennsylvania. See, there is still hope for Al Gore.
Al Gore is now saying that his candidacy is now more important than his job as Vice President. I disagree. He as vice
president is just one heartbeat away from that hot, intern action.
In Westchester, New York, no parking signs are being put up on the street where President Clinton just bought a house. A
spokesman for the town said "We aren't afraid of tourists, we are afraid Clinton might use the street as a make out spot.
Thousands of couples are planning to get married at the stroke of midnight this New Year's Eve. Guys really like this
because if they can't perform, they will blame it on Y2K.
Happy Birthday to Senator Strom Thurmond. He's 97 years old today. Wow. If he were alive today, that would make him
123 years old.
Al Gore's new campaign strategy is that if he distances himself from Clinton, his popularity will go up. Well, that hasn't
worked for Hillary!
A new book came out this week about Hillary called "Hillary's Choice." Hillary said that 10 years ago she insisted that her
husband conquer his weakness for sexual hunting. Actually, after Monica I think he went big game hunting.
Remember the guy who was trapped in the New York elevator for 2 days? Now he is suing for 25 million dollars because
he can't go back to work. John McCain was tortured in a prison camp for 5 years and this guy got stuck listening to John
Tesh for 2 days and can't work.
Our old friend John Wayne Bobbitt is in the news. He was jailed because he shoved his girlfriend against the wall. Got a
little violent. The girlfriend does admit that she nags him but she says it's only because he has a tendency to be detached.
President Clinton says he cannot move into his New York house because there is still a lot of security work. Clinton says he
will move in as soon as the Secret Service installs surveillance cameras in the neighbors' bedrooms.