Remember that crazy wire-tapping babe, Linda Tripp? Well, she's now telling everyone that she is a million dollars in debt with
legal fees. And she is asking for donations. It's nice to see that she hasn't lost her sense of humor.
Bill Clinton being the very best president he can, is over in Russia helping Boris Yelsin. Boris Yelsin needs Clinton's help
like he needs another drink.
Will Smith, "The Fresh Prince of Belair" wants to be the first black president of the United States. And he's going to run in
10 years. I think that this is great news. For one thing, there is almost no chance of a sequel to "Wild, Wild West."
The economy in Russia is so bad. It is so bad do you know what the TV quiz show there is? "Who Wants A Roll of Toilet
Paper?"
Bill Bradley has a new compaign motto. "It Can Happen." Some of the other candidates slogans are: Steve Forbes, "The
Other White Billionaire." Warren Beatty, "The Man Who Really Could Be the Father of the Country." And Donald Trump, has
the best slogan. "Voter, Voter In The Stall, Who's The Prettiest of Them All?"
There is Arnold Swartzenager's movie "End of Days", where Arnold battles Satan. Yes, Satan comes to New York in
search for a bride. Actually he comes to New York because he hears that there is a woman who is willing to marry him in
exchange for a New York Senate seat.
Sunday night is the big Y2K movie. The story about New York paralyzed by the Y2K. If you only watch television, your
impression of New York would be one disaster after another. Y2K, earthquakes, Hillary Clinton.
New York has been cleaned up.They've gotten rid of all the drug dealers and apparently replaced them with book
stores. Now, if they didn't want George W. Bush to visit, you should just say so.
Janet Jackson called the police and reported that 4 men have been hounding her. The names of the men were Germaine,
Tito, Randy and Jackie.
The person who is collaborating with Hillary Clinton on a new book on the White House also wrote a book on sexually
transmitted disease. The strange thing was that the research for that book was also done in the White House.
George W. Bush's autobiography came out. And it does not address stories about his drug use. It's called "Men are from
Mars and Cocaine is from South America."
New York Times has announced that Hillary Clinton has postponed her Senate announcement. They are talking about her
announcing on Valentine's day. Well, that's a good day, it's not like she'll be doing anything else that day.
A company came out with something new. A beer with coffee in it. Beer and coffee together. I was just saying to myself,
when are they going to come up with a beer that will keep obnoxious drunks awake longer?
How many of you knew about this meteor shower last night? Something like 30,000 meteors an hour.
Supposedly a spectacular astronomical display. You ask New Yorkers about it though and they say "I didn't see nothing. I
didn't hear nothing. I don't know nothing. I'm just going to work."
Here's what they have done now in New York City. They have installed surveillance cameras in taxicabs. So, no more
funny business! The first day though, 600 video cameras were stolen!
A new study from the AMA. Americans spend more time thinking of money than sex. Well, I think about both. I think about
sex and I think about the $50 it's going to cost me.
I don't know how far Trump will go in the presidential race. A reporter asked his stance on abortion was and he said he
"finds it personally distasteful but it sure beats a paternity suit."
In a poll in the Dallas Morning News today, Clinton was chosen the 2nd most evil person this millennium, and Hillary was chosen
the 6th most evil. After hearing this, Clinton was outraged and said "That's ridiculous, she should be 2nd and I should be
6th."
Drew Barrymore's mother is auctioning off Drew's baby clothes and movie memorabilia on the internet. Mom is selling the
red cowboy hat that Drew wore in "ET", a bib and the first bong that Drew made out of a baby bottle."
It's been reported that Michael Jackson will star as Edgar Allan Poe in a movie called "The Nightmare of Edgar Allan Poe."
Edgar Allan Poe's nightmare is having Michael Jackson play him in a movie.
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a new movie, "End of Day." Arnold has to save New York City when Satan arrives in New
York City to find a bride. Why would Satan come to New York? Come to LA. I mean, the women would kill for a straight guy.
My thanks also go out to JMcmic@aol.com, Zeeeman@email.msn.com, Fred@aol.com and Ian@GreatWhiteNorth.ca for sending the following our way.
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!
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How to Bathe a Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that it cannot escape) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as it's paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where it will dry itself.
Sincerely, The DOG
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When Bill and Hillary Clinton first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity, and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed, but today the temptation was too much and I gave in. Now I need to know why you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said,"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen, and three times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy.
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THE TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:
* Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
* Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
* Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
* Viagra, Home of the whopper
* Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
* Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
* Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
* Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
* Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
* This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
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Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American
of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr.
Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs
$100,000 to him, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out
the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost
$250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768
screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see
an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100
Bill-bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach.
In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda
and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
Yet More:
Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a
Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every
single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for
only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.
Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as
he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.
Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only
1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide.
He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar
bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the
moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times,
or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh
40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt.
Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce
the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things
in perspective.
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For Immediate Release:
The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In light of this, they have now renamed it as:
'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our
product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of
two."
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