THIS IS FOR MEN THAT ARE TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman? Because women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women never shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called wedding cake.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said dust.
In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received hundred of letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.
*******************
Hillary Clinton has finally announced her candidacy for the US Senate. Rudy Giuliani, New York City's Mayor and also a candidate for the same Senate seat, sent these campaign slogan suggestions for Hillary to use:
TOP TEN HILLARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN SLOGANS AS SUGGESTED BY RUDI GIULIANI
10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
And the NUMBER ONE Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogan as suggested by Rudi Giuliani...
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas!"
Happy holidays to you and yours. And thanks for stopping by A Nude Cornucopia.
Regards,
Slicker
The holiday means a great deal for Clinton in Washington, D.C. First, he had a leg, then he had a thigh and then he had a
breast and then it was time for dinner.
This holiday has significance for Monica Lewinsky because Monica's ancestors came across on the Mayflower. And,
Monica just came across.
In an interview in a British newspaper, Mick Jagger's son said he thinks that his Dad should grow up. In fact, according to
the latest polls, 73% of Mick Jagger's children think he should grow up.
I had the "Don King Thanksgiving Meal." I "fixed" the whole thing myself.
When you think about it, the turkey is a dumb animal. The smartest holiday animal is the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny
shows up with a basketful of chocolate. People stuff themselves, lose their appetite and pass out from eating all that
chocolate and then the rabbit slips away.
President Clinton pardoned the White House turkey. Apparently, the turkey made a large donation to the Democratic party.
Do you know who loved Thanksgiving at the White House? Buddy, the Dog. this was the first year he didn't have to fight
with Monica for the "under the table" scraps.
If you're like me, you're sitting around the house on Thanksgiving, with all your relatives there saying to yourself, "Was I
switched at birth?"
Millions of people lined up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York. Unfortunately, children were
frightened cause the Giuliani balloon kept attacking the Hillary balloon.
After Thanksgiving dinner, 16 million fans are expected to watch football. The main reason people say they watch is that
no matter how stuffed and bloated they are, they always feel better after seeing John Madden.
Thanksgiving is a special time for Michael Jackson. He gets to use the turkey baster for something other than getting his
ex-wife pregnant.
George W. Bush says he will not meet with gay Republicans. He says he is against same sex marriages. But then again,
so is Bill Clinton. Not only is he against same sex marriages, he is against sex with the same person you're married to.
The government released a list of the most dangerous toys. The #1 most dangerous toy is "PMS Barbie." "Cowering in the
Corner Ken" sold separately.
Here is a sign of the times. Got a catalog from a company in Wisconsin selling a king size toilet seat for people with "bigger
than normal rear ends." Whatever you do guys, do not give this to your wife for Christmas.
You're lucky that you are here. In the airports, there's screaming, pushing, grabbing and fighting. And that's just Diana
Ross.
My Mom will be at the house this year. Mom's recipe for stuffing, it's great. It's a closely
guarded secret. Just like the
drinking.
A bit of warning for those of you that are Christmas shopping on the internet. The web site HoHoHo.com has nothing to do
with Santa.
Hillary Clinton said that she is moving out of the White House the 1st of the year. President Clinton responded by sending
out invites to a January 2nd naked kegger.
Due to dangerous conditions, Martha Stewart has called off plans to watch the millennium's first sunrise on top of a
mountain. Instead, Stewart said she'll make her own sunrise out of orange rinds.
Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt says he is going to build a chain of super sex stores that sells Hustler magazine,
adult videos and what we call sex toys. Flynt says that he is patterning his stores after Home Depot and that his goal is to
create the largest "do-it-to-yourself" center.
Eating meat is supposed to be bad for you. They say it's as bad as smoking? I am trying to cut down. It's hard. It's
addicting. You can't see it but I am wearing a baloney patch.
Today in Kosovo, President Clinton urged ethnic Albanians to forgive the Serbs that expelled them a few months ago. He
gave them a really good speech. He said "Will you be focused on hatred and getting even or will you be thinking of a new
home?" Wasn't that the same speech he gave Hillary?
When President Clinton was in Greece this past weekend, he was greeted by rioting protesters, yelling obscenities, setting
fires all over the place. The firefighters have their work cut out for them. Those Greece fires are the toughest to put out.
Did you hear Hillary's BIG announcement today? Actually it was a non announcement. She says she intends on running
for the Senate. That doesn't mean that she's going to do it. Bill intended to follow the Ten Commandments.
One of Heidi Fleiss' call girls is now speaking out about some of the famous clientele. She named Charlie Sheen. She said
that he was a wonderful lover. So, guys see how important it is to tip?
Hillary Clinton announced today that next year she will announce that she is running for the Senate. In a poll, 53% of the
people said they do not want Hillary to run. And YES, Hillary that is our final answer.
Sad news. OJ Simpson is breaking up with his latest girlfriend. Although it won't be official until she's dead.
Monica Lewinsky is now getting braces. Clinton's worse nightmare.
Hillary will be pandering to minorities a little. She said one of the first things she will do is get Danny Glover a cab.
A computer hacker that broke into the White House website was sentenced to 15 months in jail. Although he can get out
sooner if he is willing to help President Clinton download porn.
Later!
I'm out of estrogen - I have a gun
Guys have feelings too. But like ... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear
Last night I went to one of the local pubs. Wednesday nights is ladies night and they have male strippers for entertainment. I like to heckle the dancers who usually are as bright as a two watt light bulb in a sandstorm. The first guy dancing took off his shirt and the woman beside me said to him: "What a great chest you have!"
The stripper replied: "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite." He then took off his pants and the bimbo said, "What massive calves you have!" He again replied: "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
Flustered, hot and bothered, the dame reached up and pulled down his bikini underware.
I roared and started laughing uncontrollably. "Ladies," I yelled out. "Run for your lives!!!"
The dancer put his underware back on and shouted at me: "What the hell are you shouting run for your lives for???"
"I'm afraid to be around all that dynamite after seeing what a short fuse you have." I quipped.
The owner walked up to me and asked me quietly to leave and to never come back. That's the first time I was ever 86'd.
Anyway, have a safe Holiday weekend. Until next time...
Love,
Kristen
If your turds float, there's too much fat in your diet...
Hmmm.... pass the gravy...
Restaurants are charging huge money this year for the millennium and Thanksgiving Dinner. The Fashion Cafe in Dallas owned by the Supermodels have a special this year. Actually, it's pretty good. $19.95 you get a radish, a kernel of corn
and half an olive.
A pizza parlor here in Dallas started offering "hemp cheese." The cheese is made of crushed marijuana seeds. How rich is this
guy going to be? You order a pizza, get the munchies and then order another one right away.
Monica Lewinsky is wearing a metal retainer now. Hey guys, this is perfect. Not only can she please you during sex, but
she can open a beer afterwards.
Here is something to worry about. The Chinese are in outer space. How come they can put a guy in space, but when I
order food, they can't find my house?
All of the networks are very excited about disaster movies. Anything to do with disasters and the networks jump on it. First,
it was the earthquake hits New York, then Y2K. In fact, they are so interested in disasters, ABC is talking about having Letterman
host the Academy Awards again.
Here it is, midnight, Y2K midnight, at Dallas Alley and thousands and thousands of people have to urinate by
candlelight.
China has entered the space race. The purpose of their program is to seek out new life and then sell them counterfeit
copies of Windows 98.
Today is "Fight Procrastination Day." If you come back tomorrow, I will have good joke about it.
It has been reported that Pamela Anderson has kept placenta from the birth of her child in her refrigerator. And when her
husband, Tommy Lee found out he said "Let me get this straight, you kept the placenta and got rid of the implants?"
Monica Lewinsky spotted in public wearing braces on her teeth. She said that if that doesn't make her more beautiful, she'll
try to lose 400 pounds.
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts
with both hands. Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your
sister's".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.