You've heard of the "Toys for Tots" program. Well,
Michael Jackson showed up and tried to exchange 2 toys for a tot.
They wouldn't go for it.
It's a pretty ugly deal in Seattle: I haven't seen a
group of people that hostile, that angry, that outraged since Letterman
hosted the
Academy Awards show.
The people of Seattle are really mellow and don't want
problems there. Today, Courtney Love was really upset. She was
awakened when someone tipped over a dumpster. And she was
in it.
The White House was very upset about an article in the
National Enquirer that says that the Clintons have decided to get a
divorce. They are really upset about this because the
article ruined the surprise at this year's White House Christmas Party.
For the first time in China's history, the government
has cleared the way for drug stores to start selling condoms. Those
Chinese condoms will be available in the US under the
name "thimbles."
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up
ready to go to sleep,
and the husband put his bedside light to read a book As he was reading, he
paused, reached over
and started fondling his wife's pussy.
He did this only for a short while. Then he resumed reading his book.
He did this several times and his wife became gradually more aroused.
She thought her husband was seeking some sort of response as an encouragement to
go further.
She got up, and stripped in front of him. The husband was confused by this
behavior.
He asked "What are you doing, why are you taking off your night shirt."
The wife replied, "You were fingering me, I thought it was foreplay and
that you wanted to make love tonight."
'Hell No', the man replied, I was just wetting my fnger so I could turn the
pages in my book.
Michael Jackson said in an interview with TV Guide, that although he has 2 children, he would like as many as 10. I guess
some of them keep escaping.
For awhile it looked like we had the new weather because we had the government controlling the weather. The reason was
so that President Clinton and his fat friends from Arkansas could go bass fishing every weekend. Well, that all backfired
because now all his friends are in jail.
Monica Lewinsky is in a whole new line of work now. She makes purses and handbags. They say that the purses that she
makes are a lot like Monica herself. Because at parties you'll most likely find them on the bed.
Clinton was in Seattle addressing the World Trade Organization yesterday. On that subject, the press asked George W. Bush
what he thought of WTO and he said "I don't follow wrestling."
It looks like ABC will be making "Who wants to be a millionaire?" a regular series. It will air 3 times a week. It will be on all
the time now. The plan is to make everybody as sick of Regis as they are of Kathie Lee.
Woody Allen is 64 today. Woody declined an invitation to eat dinner with friends. He wanted to just stay in and eat
Chinese.
Here's an interesting statistic: The American Automobile Association estimated 33.8 million people hit the highway for the
Thanksgiving holiday. Then the same group said Tuesday that 28 million people were on the road Sunday. Do you know
what that means? 5.8 million relatives will not leave.
Happy Birthday to Dick Clark. The world's oldest teenager. If you don't count Bill Clinton.
Did you hear about the woman in Israel who has won the right to be impregnated with her deceased husband's sperm?
Took sperm from a dead guy and got her pregnant. I believe the procedure was first patented by Tipper Gore.
The 8th leading cause of death is doctor's screwing up. More people die from medical errors, than breast cancer, aids or
traffic accidents. They say that it is hard to nail down the exact number of how many die from this because doctors, unlike the
paper gowns they give you, cover each others asses.
President Clinton is doing all his shopping online this year. So far he's gotten a sweater for Hillary, a book for Chelsea and
Alysa Milano for himself.
Residents of Hollywood are considering a proposal to officially secede from their parent city of Los Angeles. In other words,
Hollywood wants to be a city in of itself. It will allow Hollywood to seek federal funding to finance their own riots, their own
earthquakes and their own botched murder trials.
Apparently, "Boris the Red Nosed Yeltsin" was hospitalized again. This time his liver called 911. What's the deal? This guy
is in the shop more than a GEO Metro. Every other week this guy is rushed to the hospital. It's as if one of the world's
remaining super powers is being run by Liz Taylor.
Toy Story 2, the Number 1 movie. In this one, Barbie dolls come alive. Finally, a movie Dad can enjoy.
This Pokemon stuff is so hot, I was at the mall yesterday and I saw a Furby in line trying to buy one.
Have you seen these internet commercials putting down the malls? On the internet you can go around the malls, look
around, do it in the middle of the night in your pajamas. Hey, that's nothing. My Grandpa used to do that for years. Security
would call and we'd have to go down and get him. "Come on Grandpa, get back in the car."
It's the beginning of the holiday season here in Dallas. Today they had all the sidewalk Santas lined up taking their
random drug tests. We're ready to go.
Hillary Clinton is moving out of the White House. You have to feel bad for Bill Clinton because Hillary has moved out. He's
running around nuts without a date for New Year's Eve.
A couple from Arizona who has adopted 10 children is receiving a bunch of corporate gifts, including a pizza party every
week from Little Caesar's. After hearing about it, Marlon Brando adopted 20 kids.
A pizza parlor here in Dallas is serving hemp cheese on it's pizza. It's called Woody's. The cheese is made from
crushed marijuana seeds. It's a pretty good bargain. A nickel slice costs $5. Unfortunately, there's not much return business
because no one can remember where Woody's is.
Here's some stuff to make you think.... Hmmmmm????...
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's
supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their
hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of
Vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every
letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to
Test telex/two communications.)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable".
Stewardesses'" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and
purple.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore>when the engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of
the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades -King David; Clubs -Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get
fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on Aug 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Superbowl.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a
Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the
top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates
at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those
of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek,is
missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must
be straight. These straight sections are useable as airstrips in times of
war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
Starbucks sued over alleged crushed penis
Updated 6:51 PM ET November 29, 1999
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Canadian tourist who claims that his penis was crushed by a faulty toilet seat at a
Starbucks Corp restaurant has sued the giant coffee retailer for $1.5 million, his attorney said Monday.
"Our client, Edward Skwarek, was in a seated position on the toilet when he turned to retrieve the toilet paper
in back of the seat when the seat shifted causing his penis to be caught and crushed between the seat and the
bowl," said Richard Robbins, the lawyer for Skwarek, 37, of Toronto.
The suit, filed Nov. 26 in Manhattan Supreme Court, alleges the coffee house was careless in "allowing a
defective toilet seat to remain open ... causing a hazardous and unsafe condition ... in its public restrooms."
Skwarek, a government financial worker, alleged that the incident took place on Aug. 20, 1999 at a
Starbucks in the Chelsea district of Manhattan where he and his wife, Sherrie, 37, dropped in for some
coffee.
The suit also claims that as a result of Starbucks' carelessness, Skwarek suffered a "crushed penis,
Peyronie's disease, retrograde ejaculation with consequent substantial reduction in sperm count, infertility,
severe bruising to his penis and sexual function impairment."
Peyronie's disease usually causes deviation of the erect penis to one side.
Skwarek seeks $1 million in damages and his wife $500,000 because she has been "deprived of his
services."
Alan Gulick, a spokesman at Starbucks in Seattle, where the company is based, said Starbucks does not
comment on pending litigation.
1) "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids
with fake IDs."
2) "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
3) "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your
life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
4) "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
5) "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet,
they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
6) "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to all of life's problems!"
7) "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed
over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was
called, 'The Bus
That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
8) "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will
get you through
life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea,
boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
9) "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
10) "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby,
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
11) "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well,
good night."
12) "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
13) "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't -
it's that girls
and such and such."
14) "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
15) "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that
guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name.
16) We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all
those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughin',
did you?"
17) Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,'you're making a scene.'"