It is so cold in New York that Monica Lewinsky is just blowing on her hands.
It is so cold, hookers in Times Square are offering free sex to fat guys.
Al Gore said that he cannot guarantee in this administration if he gets elected, there won't be a tax hike. He said, "Nobody
has a crystal ball, if they did it would be in the Starr report."
In a recent interview, President Clinton said he "wished he could live to be 150 years old. When Hillary heard this, she said
"Really? That bastard is lucky he made it to 50."
Here comes New Year's Eve and party go-ers in New Orleans are drinking the world's largest Bloody Mary on New Year's
Day. The drink will have 815 gallons of v-8 juice, 12 gallons of Tabasco sauce, 200 gallons of vodka and 15,000 celery sticks
in it in a 10 foot tall glass. Actor Andy Dick said "That's great. What is everyone else drinking?"
They had in the paper what President Clinton had for Christmas dinner. This is the whole list. They said he had turkey,
ham, asparagus, salad, vegetable soup, sweet potatoes, peas, carrots, bread stuffing and he had a slice of chocolate cake,
pumpkin pie, and lemon meringue pie. Now he has 2 reasons to unbutton his pants under the table.
Time Magazine has named Albert Einstein "Person of the Century." His hair stylist is dead last.
Did you know that Einstein's wife once caught him cheating on her and she divorced him for it. So guys, let that be a
lesson to you. If Einstein couldn't pull it off, forget it. What are your chances?
It was so cold in Times Square, the hookers were giving out flannel condoms.
They have tourists from out of town. If you are going to be celebrating New Years Eve in N.Y..Just to let you know, it is illegal
to fire guns into the air. They must be fired at someone.
Did you hear Michael Jackson and Liz Taylor are getting married? And Michael Jackson said that once they are married, he
will not consummate the marriage. If they do get married, this will be the most bizarre marriage since his last one.
Happy Birthday to ABC Political Commentator Cokie Roberts. She was 56 yesterday. She was a guest of honor at a big party in
Washington. All the big players were there. One embarrassing moment for Cokie. George W. Bush tried to snort her.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope..."
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
Darnright the most ridiculous things that I have ever heard! As much as I like Jason, I felt that he hadn't learned his lesson! So, I told the sheriff to let him set there for a day and I'll get him out before Christmas. He's been sweating it, I hear. But at least now he's sober. I'll be leaving in a few hour to spring our bird from jail. Hopefully this will have straightened his ass out!
Merry Christmas,
Clarence O'Malley
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not
fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in
less than an hour, and when you get there May you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table,
together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the
cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.
May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.
May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning,and May some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your check book and your budget balance, and May they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
May we live as intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
Love,
Kristen
Do you have a babysitter yet for New Year's Eve? Babysitter's are charging $100 an hour. That's more than my date will be
getting.
After years of being passed over, Sean Connery is finally going to be knighted by the Queen of England. In an emotional
statement, Connery said that the news left him shaken not stirred...."and to all, a good knight"...
George W. Bush in the holiday mood spent the day dreaming of a gram of White Christmas.
Up in New York City, there was an actual miracle on 34th street. A cab actually picked up Danny Glover.
The State Dept. said to avoid being with large crowds on New Years Eve. I'm not taking any chances. I'm going to see KC
and the Sunshine Band.
In an interview with Sports Illustrated, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker made several racist comments about New
Yorkers and he said he could walk a block down Times Square and not hear one word of English. I was thinking about it.
Now he can't walk down Times Square.
On New Year's Eve, there's going to be a baby sitter shortage because everyone is going out that night. The sitters that
are working are reportedly asking for upwards of $300 for the night, making this the first time it would cheaper to call a
hooker.
Hmmmmm.....What am I doing New Years Eve????
I didn't have the chance to watch any NFL last weekend. My cable system doesn't get "court TV."
Steve Forbes announced this week that he does not approve of homosexuality. Sounds like someone had a rough time at
boarding school, doesn't it?
I have an amazing statistic for you. During the holidays in New York, the subways and the buses handling 7 million
people. As a matter of fact, on the subway, most passengers are handled 3 times.
Here's a program reminder. I think it's tomorrow night. Hillary Clinton "I'll Be Jewish For Christmas."
The Clintons were actually together today at the White House because it's a tradition. They read to 50 school children the
tale " 'Twas the Night Before Christmas." Some things never change. A kid asked a question about the story and Clinton said
"It all depends what your definition of the word "'Twas" is."
In a recent interview, Kate Moss said that she wants to get pregnant. She says that she wants to feel what it'd be like to
eat for one.
It was reported that Joe Frazier's daughter wants to fight Mohammed Ali's daughter. And not only that, Mike Tyson's
daughter wants to bite Evander Holyfiend's daughter.
Time magazine has decided to give it's "Man of the Year" award to the founder of Amazon.com Jeff Bezos. Time magazine
told Bezos that they are going to send him the award, but it may be out of stock and could take 4 to 6 weeks.
Anita
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House. Apparently Hillary decided to surprise Bill and hang stockings in
the Oval Office. And, when Bill saw, out of a force of habit, he grabbed them and stuffed then under the cushions.
Dr. Kevorkian has struck again. His youngest patient ever was 21. And after he was finished, he handed him a lollipop.
Presidential hopeful, John McCain said in an interview over the weekend, that it was possible that America would someday
have a gay president. McCain even hinted that there might be a gay candidate running for president right now. And that gay
candidate's slogan would be "No Bush in 2000."
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer sighed cutting off his
tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He
kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1emon juice
nuts
1 GALLON WHISKEY
Being that it is the holidays, I am jumping off the wagon temporarily to sample the whiskey to check for quality. (sip)...Ahhhh, my good old friend, Jimmy Bean!
To begin, we take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour out one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Next, turn on the electric lixer thingamajiggy and beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Let's make sure the whiskey is still ok. (slurp)....Ahhhh, good ole rotgut. (hiccup)
Otay...cry another tup. Turn off mixer, break 2 legs and add to the bow and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Now...mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the eaterers, pry it loose with the drewscriver.
Again, lesh sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. (glug,glug)... Ahhhh...(hiccup),"La Creme de MaTante!"
Right On!!! Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. What the hell. Who cares? Check the whishkey!(chugaluga) ...Ahhhh...(barf) ...heresh to Jack Black and my buddy Johnny Walker Red!!!
NOwwww then, we shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or anything. Whatever you can find.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Thow the bow out of the window. Lesh check the whiskey again. (guzzle)...Ahhhhhhh..(burp)... who the fuck likes fruitcake anyway???? Time to schplit on out of here. Happy Chrishma and a Merry Fuckin New Year to everybody.
Later!
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack"
Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It" (what about "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"?)
Won't be long before Christmas so get ready y'all.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of Teamsters North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)"
**************************************************************
And as you are decorating the Christmas Tree, here's something to ponder...
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for a Prosperous and Healthy New Year!
Slicker
Here is a message from the Post Office. Today is the last day to mail your holiday packages if you want them lost by
Christmas.
News from outer space. NASA spent $300 million and got no answer from the Mars Polar lander. This ties the previous
record held by Ken Starr.
Looks like Linda Tripp will be going to prison for wiretapping. Monica Lewinsky is very polished, very thorough when she is
under oath. Just like when she is under the desk.
Monica Lewinsky testified against Linda Tripp in Maryland yesterday. And at one point she asked for a 10 minute recess.
Afterwards, the judge came back to the courtroom much happier.
The Air Force accidentally dropped a bomb on the fairway of an Arizona golf course. Golfers said that they hadn't been
that frightened since O.J. played there.
The artist formerly known as Prince says he plans to retire the song "1999" after a New Year's Eve performance. And from
that point on, the song will be called "The song formally called 1999."
Marilyn Mansen announced he is changing his name, like Prince, to an unpronounceable symbol. It's a Greek symbol
meaning "freak."
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand
you, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without
a word and walked out of class, never to return. However as she was
going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced
he answered her question:
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on thetip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat.."
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand
you, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without
a word and walked out of class, never to return. However as she was
going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced
he answered her question:
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the