Now that all the mushy stuff is out of the way...time to empty the e-mail bin!
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And you think you are having a bad day....

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record.
Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
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Double Fantasy

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
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Saturday morning...
Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my goodness... And what about uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
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A Presbyterian, a Methodist and a Baptist and their wives are enjoying a nice cruise when a tidal wave suddenly appears. It sinks the ship and they all drown.
When they wake up they are standing before St. Peter. He looks at the Presbyterian and shakes his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named "Penny".
Next, he turns to the Methodist. "I'm sorry, I can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved it so much you even married a woman named "Candy".
The Baptist turns to his wife and whispers nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny!
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A couple was driving along a country road. The wife says, "Sweetheart, let's stop and do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he's immediately on her like a bass on a June bug. They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED!
After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darling', you sure never moved like that forty years ago or ANYTIME SINCE, that I can remember."
The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: "FORTY YEARS AGO THAT FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIC"
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Other ways to say "He's a little slow"

a few clowns shy of a circus
got a few splinters in the Windmills of his Mind
a few fries short of a happy meal
the wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
the butter slid off his pancakes
couldn't spell IOU if you spotted him the vowels
no thread in his sewing machine
one fruit loop shy of a full bowl
his antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
his belt misses a few loops
his receiver is off the hook
got a leaky skylight
the gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming
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RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a Time when life was simple. When all you knew were colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair... that everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kindword, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my chequebook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my RRSP and pension plan statements. I am officially resigning from Adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause. . ."Tag! You're it."
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Pardon the Puns...

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
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Sometime after Robert died, his widow, Edith, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Robert thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Robert called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Edith,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Robert is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Robert a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
"So," Edith said, holding her hand in the air to show off her ten carat diamond ring, "how do you like my stone?"
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
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Alabama's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Alabama. Searchers and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Don't be shy....post a good one if you got one!

Garfo