In a new study, not a good idea to give a woman with PMS chocolate. But then again, it's not safe to take chocolate away
from a woman during PMS.
You know, this deadly cold and flu going around? Well, Puff Daddy hasn't had the strength to even reload.
It is so bad my cab driver is taking sudafed, robitussin. No, wait a minute, that was his name.
10 % of Americans have something in their body that wasn't there when they were born.
Mike Tyson is going to be allowed to fight in England. They had turned him down originally, because he has a history of
biting people's ears off. Then they said "You know what? It might do Prince Charles a favor
Kathie Lee Gifford has agreed to host this year's Gospel Music Awards. Kathie Lee agreed to host after being promised
that the show will feature a choir of underpaid children.
The Post Office has announced that they are raising stamps to 34 cents. But that's okay, with the estimated 40 billion in
additional revenue, they plan on opening a second window.
"We have to give Hillary a tremendous amount of credit for just showing up on Letterman.
A special list of Mrs. Clinton's Top 10 reasons for finally appearing on the show included "I lost a bet with Tipper" and "If
Dan Quayle did it, how hard could it be?"
Tuesday, the 54 year old grandmother who gave birth to triplets, received a lifetime supply of diapers from Pampers. And
they even tossed some in for the babies.
Hillary is slipping in the polls. One of the reasons is that she's not connecting with female voters. Hillary said "It's to connect
with woman when you've called them up at 3 AM and told them to stay the hell away from your husband."
I've got more news on the breakup of Donald Trump and his now ex-girlfriend. He knew it time to breakup with her when he
realized she wasn't the one he wanted to spend the rest of his month with.
The Ford Motor Company unveiling an electric car with the body made entirely of plastic. I believe they are calling it the
"Cher.
Michael Jackson wants to have a baby with Elizabeth Taylor. According to Michael's plan, Liz Taylor's daughter would
donate her eggs, so that the baby would have some of Elizabeth Taylor's genes. Then Michael would donate his sperm and
it would all be fertilized in a lab. And then another woman would carry the child for them. Isn't that so romantic?
Happy birthday to Rod Stewart. He's getting up there. 55 years old. He's at the age if he sings "If you think I'm sexy, Do
you want my body?" he's talking to medical school.
Puff Daddy has a brand new attorney. Johnny Cochran. Johnny Cochran will represent anyone who has been chased by
the police while driving a sports utility vehicle.
Johnny Cochran already has a defense for Jennifer Lopez. If her ass don't fit, you must acquit.
President Clinton wants 30 million from Congress for contraception and family planning. Sounds to me like someone is
getting ready to go dating again.
President Clinton says that he plans in the next election to vote in New York City. This is nice so that he can vote for his
wife. I think the last time he actually voted for a woman she was wearing a wet t-shirt.
The Secret Service has announced for the first time they have to recruit. They are placing help wanted ads if you want to
be a member of the secret service. They are losing a lot of agents because the agents realize after a few years they can
make a lot more money being a pimp in the private sector.
Hillary Clinton has announced that she opposes same sex marriages. She said that marriages should remain as it always
has between a woman, a man and his intern.
Madonna is selling her $6.5 million house because she's afraid of stalkers. Not the only reason. And the house isn't big
enough for her boyfriend. The Detroit Pistons.
Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of
the extraordinary sexual activities that can be
performed by men:
1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face,
repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her
mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An
old favorite.
2. Hot Lunch- While receiving head from a woman,
you shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
3. The Stranger- Sitting on your hand until it
falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the
feeling of a hand job from someone else.
4. Donkey Punch- Banging a girl doggy style and
then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her
ass, and then punching her in the back of the head.
This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to
work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so
that her asshole tightens up.
5. Golden Shower- Any form of peeing on a girl.
(aka: watersports)
6. Pearl Necklace- Well known. Whenever you cum on
the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the
look of beautiful jewelry.
7. Coyote- This occurs when you wake up in the
room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give
her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is
wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off
your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very
painful.
8. Purple Mushroom- This occurs when a woman is
giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in
order to poke it back into her cheek. It should
leave a lasting impression similar to a purple
mushroom.
9. The Flying Camel- A personal favorite. As she
is lying on her back and you are hammering her from
your knees, you carefully balance yourself without
using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to
flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl.
Strictly a class move.
10. Double Fishhook- From the doggy-style
position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and
pull back to achieve deeper penetration.
11. The Ram- Again, you're attacking from behind,
when you start ramming her head against the wall
in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should
allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those
lulls in penile sensitivity.
12. Dog in a Bathtub- This is the proper name for
when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's
ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard
as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
13. The Bronco- Back to reality with this classic.
You start by going doggy style and then just when
she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits
as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name.
This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she
tries to buck you off.
14. Pink Glove- This frequently happens during sex
when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out
to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks
to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
15. The Fountain of You- While sitting on her face
and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a
madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before
releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over
her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)
16. New York Style Taco- Anytime when you are so
drunk that when you go down on her, you puke on
her box. Happy trails!
17. Dirty Sanchez - While banging a girl doggy
style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into her
starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on
her upper lip, providing her a mustache.
18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your
hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you.
It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence,
western.
19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp
to do this right. It involves having her suck you off
while you're on the shitter.
20. The Bismark - Another one involving oral sex.
Right before you are about to spew, pull out and
shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch
and smear the blood and jism together.
21. Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismark.
All you have to do is punch her in the nose while
you are getting head.
22. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on
your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your cock
on her forehead.
23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison
act where one person is forced to chow starfish with
the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e.
Jello, jism, etc.
24. The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove
your finger in her pooper. Thereupon, she turns
around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the
hell you are doing.
25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick, lapping
away, and you discover that it's her time of the
month. By no means do you stop though. When the
whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry
smothers your face.
26. The Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some
mighty Zena who has a mane between her legs the
size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball
gets lodged in your throat. You punch her.
27. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's
chest and then titty fuck her.
28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle
during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous
knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits
on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles
required (either on one finger or on multiple).
29. The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When
getting a chick from behind (with both partners
standing), make sure you don't let her grab onto
anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your
hips into her backside so that the momentum pushes her
forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or
table, or have her trip and fall on her face. You
attain the status of Admiral when you can push her
around the room without crashing into anything and
not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over
the skank's face and taking a dump.
31. Ray Bans - Put your nuts over her eye sockets
while getting head. You're can is on her forehead.
Yes, it may be anatomically impossible, but it is
definitely worth a try.
32. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while
she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her
arms so she falls on her face.
33. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you
fart while humping, pull the covers over her head.
Don't let her out until all movement ceases.
We are in the middle of the deadly flu and cold season. It's so bad in New York City that earlier today Puff Daddy and
Jennifer Lopez shot up a pharmacy.
For years and years, people have been guessing who the father of Melissa Etheridge's children were. It's David Crosby. It
works out great. She gets the kids and he gets 2 potential liver donors.
You heard I'm sure that Melissa Etheridge is a lesbian. That's no secret. People wondered who the biological father of her
2 children were. This was all done through artificial insemination. She and David Crosby have never been in the same room
together. In fact, Melissa wrote a song about it. "Come Through My Window."
I didn't know this but David Crosby has 4 children from a previous blackout.
This David Crosby is really in demand. He's already scheduled to produce 4 more children for Michael Jackson.
The British Police Force, known as Scotland Yard has foiled an attempt to kidnap singer Posh Spice. And when Posh
returned home safely, music lovers everywhere had the same reaction. "Damn you Scotland Yard!!!"
"What a great idea," she replies. "You stand
in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll
sit in front of the TV and fart!"
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the
features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phonerings and it's her husband,
"Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?",
she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell
but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?"asks the
husband. "How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
I am sure by now you know that Bill and Hillary have moved into their home in Chappaqua, New York. Chappaqua is an old
Indian word for "place to dump the wife."
If you want to get Hillary a housewarming gift, can't go wrong with a map of New York.
Today, a reporter asked President Clinton how it feels to spend the night in a strange house. "Oh, hell, I do that at least 4
nights a week so it's not that unusual."
A lot of cynics are saying that the Clintons are using this as an excuse to engage in a trial separation. Do you know what a
trial separation is? That's when they are separated but stay married so they don't have to testify against one another at their
trials.
When the Clintons looked at the calendar and realized it was time to move, they were going to have their friends help them
move. But then they realized all their friends were in jail.
Hillary Clinton wants to be a senator. Life in New York for Hillary Clinton will be tough. It's complicated. Everyday she has to
memorize the name of the new Jets coach.
Hillary was busy all day. She had to unload the boxes, she had to unload the table, she had to unload the chairs. Now all
she has to do is unload Bill.
The Clintons spent their first night in their New York home last week. Clinton says he didn't get a good nights sleep. For one thing, it
takes a while to get used to a new couch.
Bill and Hillary christened their new home in their traditional fashion. They did not have sex in any of the rooms.
O.J. Simpson has a new girlfriend. Apparently he's serious. He's already planning his alibi. The relationship, friends say, is
still in the early stages. Well, of course, she's still alive.
O.J. Simpson says that he met his new girlfriend by sneaking up on her and tickling her while she was getting a massage.
Which is really weird, because usually O.J. ENDS relationships by sneaking up on them.
Yesterday the scientist in charge of the missing Mars Polar Lander said at a press conference that he still had not located
the lost spacecraft. Then, he promptly left the press conference and spent the rest of the night trying to locate his car in the
parking lot.
Customs officials in Vienna, Austria seized 69 pounds of smoked rat meat in the suitcase belonging to a Nigerian man. Rat
meat. Or as we call it, hot dogs.
I was stuck in line yesterday at Kinkos for 3 hours. A bunch of NFL coaches ahead of me copying their resumes.
Thursday, former NFL star Jim Brown got sentenced to 6 months in jail for refusing to do community service, because he
smashed his wife's car windshield. So let it be a lesson to NFL and former NFL players in Los Angeles. It's okay to murder
your wife, but in LA if you touch her car, you are going to prison.
The Cuban kid is going back. He is going back to Cuba. There has been protests in Miami, but you know what? It's like the
old saying, if you love something set it free. If it was meant to be, it'll come back as a baseball player.
In a survey released yesterday, 300 British crime writers picked poison as the best way to get away with murder. It's
different in the United States. Most American crime writers say that the best way to get away with murder is to hire Johnny
Cochran.
I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary
situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a
huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised,
and infrastructure destroyed.
Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos
for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly
poignant scenes.
If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to
keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of
rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death
of a President,
What shutter speed would you use?
The new president of Russia, Vladimir Putin has a black belt in karate. Our president has a black belt too. It's usually
around his ankles.
Hillary Clinton has moved into her home in New York. Bill is saying when he leaves the White House, he wants to return to
Arkansas and run for the senate. Bill in Arkansas and Hillary in New York. "Gee, I hope this doesn't put a strain on their
marriage."
Hillary Clinton is spending her first night in her Upstate New York home tonight. And this has prompted Bill Clinton to ask if
he can change his new year resolution.
Happy Birthday to the musician Marilyn Manson. If you haven't gotten Marilyn a gift, you can't go wrong with a gender.
Elizabeth Dole endorsed George W. Bush for president. They do have something in common. He's the only other
Republican who powders his nose.
Ted Turner and Jane Fonda have separated. It's friendly. They're going to divide up the property. She gets Montana. He
gets New Mexico. I guess Jane is going to move back with loved ones. The North Vietnamese. A little something for the
veterans.
Big news from the world of football. Bill Parcells has resigned as coach of the New York Jets. You have to hand it to Bill
Parcells. He took a team that was disorganized, underrated and he yelled at them.
Anyone see Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live? She told Larry that she hates that she lost her privacy. She also told
that to Barbara Walters, USA Today, Entertainment Tonight, the AP, Reuters.
The Drudge Report, so you know it's true, says that on New Year's Eve, there was sex party in a White House bathroom.
Apparently, President Clinton heard about it and he was furious. He demanded a full investigation, wanted to know who
these people were and why he wasn't invited.
Former Russian president Boris Yeltsin is reported to have stashed away 15 million in a swiss bank account. "There is
nothing dishonest about it. I won that money playing quarters!"
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan."
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
bu he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad or good it is."
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'"
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in."
"Things you'll never hear a woman say :
'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves."
Big news from Russia. President Boris Yeltzin resigns. He says he's sorry, he apologizes and then he resigns. I'm thinking,
"Why can't we get a president like that?"
Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live. She spent the whole hour on the show. That was 55 minutes more than Clinton
ever spent with her. She said that she is casually dating. By casually dating, she means she's only
using 1 knee pad.
What happened to the end of the world? I am all set up here. The only American appliance that stopped working was Boris
Yeltzin. The airlines said no planes fell, the terrorists... nothing happened, nuclear power plants work, computers. We spent all
this money for nothing. Well, there was one glitch. I mistakenly got a lap dance from a stripper who was 119 years old.