Did you hear that Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez are engaged? What kind of wedding will that be? A shotgun wedding of
course. I think they said that they wanted a quiet ceremony so they bought some silencers.
Did anyone watch the State of the Union address last week? President Clinton did what he always does during the
address. He acknowledged several heroes in the audience, including an Air Force pilot named Captain Cherry. There was
one awkward moment when the President said "My nickname in college was Captain Cherry."
Police in Miami have uncovered a plot by Castro to kidnap Elian Gonzalez and bring him back to Cuba. The plan was to
wait until Sunday during the second half of the Super Bowl when everyone in America was asleep and kidnap the boy.
The Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation has finally acknowledged for the first time that DNA studies prove that Thomas
Jefferson was most likely the father of all 6 of former slave Sally Hemings' children. Thomas Jefferson fathered at least 6
illegitimate children. So I guess he really is the founder of the democratic party. So now it all makes sense. You now know
why our current president is named William Jefferson Clinton.
Yes, Donald Trump got caught holding 2 kilos today. Did you hear that? Yes, his super model girlfriend. They got back
together.
Clinton, in his final State of the Union address wanted to focus on his legacy and put all the scandals behind him. The
theme of the speech was "The Era of Big Girlfriends is Over."
Kelsey Grammer is going to do a series of public service announcements about the disease IBS, which is Irritable Bowel
Syndrome. After hearing about it, Bob Dole said "There are just some things you shouldn't talk about."
Back East it is cold weather. Back in Washington, President Clinton says he hasn't felt this cold since Hillary was living at
the White House.
It was so cold that Al Gore came out in favor of global warming.
In New Hampshire, it was so cold , George W. Bush spent the entire day shoveling white powder out of his nose.
It was so cold today that David Crosby was donating frozen sperm.
You heard that Orin Hatch has dropped out of the race. I don't know why he thought he was going to do well. Even in the
polls he was 2 points behind "margin of error."
According to a study at the University of Minnesota, who was the most intelligent president? Thomas Jefferson was pretty
smart. It took 200 years to catch him fooling around. We nailed Clinton before he got in office.
Oscar Wilde once said that America was a place where the young were always ready to lend the old the benefit of their
inexperience. For you younger viewers, Oscar Wilde was a brilliant writer and social critic. If he was alive today he'd be
working on Dawson's Creek.
In an radio interview yesterday, the First Lady Hillary Clinton said that some people have a problem with her because she's
a woman. And when asked about it, President Clinton said my problem with her is that she is not several woman.
George W. Bush declared the big winner in the Republican caucuses. Did you hear him on the news? I haven't seen him
this happy since he passed his last urine test!
Steve Forbes learned a lot about cows while in Iowa. He said "Did you know that there are other parts of the cows besides
filet mignon?"
Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked
that his blanket be turned up to 9.
At a big Hollywood party, President Clinton met an actress from Baywatch Hawaii. He was overheard admitting to her that
he has watched the show before. Then he poured a glass of water over his head and pretended that he was drowning.
This snowstorm back east it is cold. It was so cold today in Iowa, the water froze in Al Gore's bong. That's the big news. It
was in Newsweek. One of Al Gore's best friends from his younger days claims that Al used marijuana regularly for years. Al
Gore smoking marijuana. Now if that doesn't prove to young people that drugs aren't cool, nothing will.
Last week, Hillary got into an argument with a telephone radio interviewer in Buffalo over a very personal
question. I guess the reporter asked Hillary if she ever committed adultery.
Hillary turned to Bill and said "Honey, it's for you."
Actually she let the reporter know in no uncertain terms that her sex life was none of his business.
And later when President Clinton was asked he said "Hillary's sex life is none of my business."
28 January, 2000
- The National Football League's Superbowl XXXIV this Sunday will
not
only be a game of so-called champions but also a battle between 13
professional athletes
who've been charged with 20 crimes including one convicted of
involuntary manslaughter.
"There will also be a convicted thief playing running back, a
prostitute's john in the defensive
backfield, a drunken driver on the field and a man convicted of
negligent homicide patrolling at
linebacker," reads a report by APBnews, a criminal justice news web
site.
In a study of the 116 players gathered in Atlanta for the NFL's
championship game the
agency found an 11 percent arrest rate for those participating in
Sunday's event.
St. Louis Rams linebacker Leonard Little pleaded guilty last year to
involuntary manslaughter
after appearing as a celebrity bartender at a St. Louis hotel. An
intoxicated Little ran a red light
in his Lincoln Navigator hitting Susan Gutweiler in October 1998. She
died the next day.
Gutweiler's husband has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Little
and the Rams, contending
that his celebrity appearance was a part of his contract.
Little, whose blood alcohol limit was almost twice the legal limit,
pleaded guilty to
involuntary manslaughter. He was suspended by the NFL for eight games
and was reinstated
last November.
For his conviction, Little received 90 nights in jail, but was allowed
to go free during the day.
He also received four years probation and ordered to serve 1,000 hours
of community service.
Little still has about a third of his sentence remaining, according to
the report.
Tennessee Titans' defensive back Steve Jackson was arrested in
Nashville last May for
soliciting a prostitute. Jackson entered a conditional guilty plea and
received 11 months and 29
days of unsupervised probation. He was ordered to be tested for HIV
and pay $294.50 in
court costs. If he stays out of trouble Jackson's case will be
dismissed in April.
Another Titans defensive back, Denard Walker, also entered a
conditional guilty plea, this
time to misdemeanor assault beating his former girlfriend. Walker was
sentenced to probation
which ends in August.
St. Louis Rams linebacker Charlie Clemons was charged in 1995 with
carrying a weapon on
school property and carrying a concealed weapon, two felonies in
Clarke County, Georgia
while he attended the University of Georgia. According to the report,
those charges against
Clemons were dismissed more than seven months after a June 5 trial
date was set.
Then, on January 12, 1996, Clemons was charged with three misdemeanors
including carrying
a concealed weapon, reckless conduct and discharging a gun near a
public street.
After he reportedly plead guilty to all three counts, Clemons was
sentenced a year of
probation for each count and fined $1,150.
Rams wide receiver Tony Horne was charged in 1992 with felony
possession with intent to
distribute cocaine in Richmond County, North Carolina. Horne pleaded
guilty after reportedly
plea-bargaining his case and was fined $285. In 1994, Horne was
charged with simple assault.
He was fined $2006 and ordered to make restitution.
Rams center Ryan Tucker was indicted by a grand jury for the May 1996
beating of Bryan
Boyd outside of Bobby McGee's, a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. Tucker was
charged with
"aggravated assault-serious bodily injury," according to the report
and his hands and feet were
listed as "deadly weapon(s)."
Tucker and four other Texas Christian University football players
allegedly punched and kicked
Boyd almost to death. Boyd survived the attack although he was not
expected to live.
Investigators initially approached the investigation as a potential
homicide, according to the
report.
In 1994 Rams running back Justin Watson was charged with four
misdemeanors including one
for burglary and three for theft by credit card. Watson was also
charged with grand theft, a
felony. The misdemeanor charges were dismissed, but Watson pleaded no
contest to the
felony and received two years probation, two days in jail and fined
$815.
Enjoy the game...... These boys will be at the Police Station for
post-game interviews..
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over
and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum
one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the
germs.
ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. the actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a theater.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak'to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
"illegal" side.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking dinners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee'zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.
The East Coast still battling a huge winter storm. So cold that in our nation's capitol, the Washington Monument could be
heard muttering, "No, really, I'm usually much taller."
Former mayor of D.C. Marion Berry was hit by the winter storms. His pipes froze and he also had trouble with his plumbing
as well.
Burger King has just signed an exclusive deal with the Backstreet Boys to distribute CD's and videos. Now if you want to
the CD's and videos, go to your nearest Burger King. They are right there in the dumpsters.
David Geffen, the owner of Geffen Records is suing Courtney Love because her group Hole has not put out 5 albums it
owes the label. This marks the first time in history that anyone has ever accused Courtney Love of not putting out.
r
Snow! Snow! Snow! That's the big word today. Snowfall hit a lot of states today. Even Washington, D.C. was hit by snow.
It closed a lot of schools, disrupted a lot of flights and made George W. Bush very nostalgic.
Canada wants to put graphic pictures of diseased lungs on the cigarette packs to deter people from smoking. And they
have also asked Monica Lewinsky for a picture of her ass to put on HoHo's.
I had a nightmare last night. I am still trembling. I dreamt was in a hot tub with Cameron Diaz, Pamela Anderson, Carmen
Elektra and Yasmine Bleethe. The nightmare part: I was Richard Simmons.
Everyone has their own game show. Jerry Springer now in discussions to host a game show. It will cater to some of the
audience members who watch his talk show. It will be called "Who Wants a Full Set of Teeth?"
This is not such good news. A new survey says that the gap between the richest Americans and the poorest Americans is
wider than ever. They say that we are becoming 2 separate societies. One that watched their bank account grow and grow
and grow and another one which watches a lot of wrestling.
Thanks to the cold weather because baseball great Darryl Strawberry saved $50. His zipper was frozen shut.
.
There are rumors that Oprah Winfrey is considering getting married. Apparently she relented when her longtime boyfriend
Stedman Graham uttered those 3 magic words "House of Pancakes."
We are very lucky here in sunny Texas. New York has not been so lucky. They are going through a cold spell.
If you factor in the chill factor, it's 10 degrees below Hillary.
Happy Birthday to the great actor Kevin Costner. Today is his birthday. As you know, his recent films have kind of tanked
at the box office. Doesn't matter. His friends threw him a huge birthday bash here in Los Angeles. It only lost $25 million. It
was a pretty good party.
Last Monday was Martin Luther King Day or as John Rocker calls it, Monday.
Alot of people were taking time off to volunteer, read to school kids, painting schools. Kids in Boston marked the
occasion by picking up trash, which also served to honor President Clinton.
Whitney Houston was stopped at the airport in Hawaii with a bag of pot in her luggage. I just heard on the news about
Whitney Houston's drug filled baggage. I thought they were talking about Bobby Brown.
The British Royal Family denying rumors that Prince William was covorting with a barmaid as well as wooing pop sensation
Britney Spears. There are even some concerns that the young prince has such an active libido, that he may even breed
outside the family.
Got some sad news. Marie Osmond is getting a divorce after 14 years of marriage. The Mormon couple are claiming
irreconcilable differences. Marie is saying that she wanted her husband Brian to be more attentive and he just wanted at
least 10 more wives.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not
with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread,
butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't. In the States, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle
it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American has a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listens in silence
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??
"Canadian: "Of course." American (cracking his gum between his teeth and
chuckling): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and stems in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America? "American (after
blowing another bubble): "Why, of course we do", the American says with
a big smirk.
Canadian: What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?
"American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
Wife Beating Linked to Stupid Women Who Don't Shut Up.
New Harvard study suggests women should shut up.
December 23, 1999 Harvard, MA A new Harvard University study
sheds new light on the problem of spousal abuse. The study, lead by
sociologist Dr. Marvin Shumacker suggests that upiddy woman who shoot
their mouths off, or more commonly put..mouth off, are far more likely to
receive a beating than women who stay in the kitchen and bake pies.
Shumacker points to one case study which illuminates his new theory.
The case of the Espinozas, a couple living in Fresno, California.
For years Raylene took beatings from Pedro until Dr. Shumacker heard
of the couple from the local welfare board.
"It is clear, this bitch does not know her place" states Shumacker.
"I would be like....hey bitch..this toast is burned...and alls she would say is
..ah.. I'm sorry." States a despondent Pedro Espinoza. "That kind of
shit I won't take".
Pedro tells of a recent harrowing experience. "I get home from a double
shift at K-Mart looking forward to some Cheez Whiz when I notice the
cap is off. I say ...HEY!!!...CUNTFACE!!!..., who left the cap off the Cheez Whiz...it
dries out."
Dr. Shumacker concludes that wife beating in the US would decrease
dramatically if women were to simple shut their stupid little feminist
mouths.
Newer, hip Elmo Doll get pulled.
January 15, 2000 Los Angeles, CA Seeking to increase revenue on the
Elmo Toy Line, the management at Sesame Street released the "Shoot
Me Up Elmo" doll in late December '99, only to be greeted by mobs of
angry parents. The new doll, complete with two syringes and enough
heroin for 30 "trips", parents quickly complained about the dangers of
the toy.
Troy Milkin, recently bought the new toy for his six year old. "The
biggest problem with this new Elmo doll is that it does not come with
enough heroin" states Milkin. "Within a week, my son Peter had given
Elmo thirty hits and was out of smack. He had to locate Opium plants,
then extract the Opium to make morphine, then distill the morphine into
heroin. I mean, it really made be cry to see my kid have to build his own
drug lab just to get more life out of his new toy."
Parents are urging Sesame Street to include 100 hits before they
resume shipment of the toy in March.
Vanguard of commode sanitation has resigned.
January 15, 2000. San Diego CA After almost 25 years of keeping
toilets spotless, Chester Marfield, better known as the Tidy Bowl Man
has quit his job.
"I'm so fucking sick of cleaning shit off my boat". states Marfield. "I
mean, they should call me the Tidy Bowel Man. I can't tell you how
many times my boat almost got sunk by larger than average turds. I
mean..why the fuck didn't they give me a submarine so I could crash
dive when the toilet owners ate out at a Mexican restaurant" lamented
Mr. Marfield. "Fucking assholes!" he said.
He continued by saying "I think those toilet owners are sick bastards. I
really think they played a game of 'sink the little boat in the toilet with
urine and shit'. "Often, they (the customers) would say they were only
going to urinate, when in fact they knew full well they had to discharge
large quantities of rancid shit." "Thanks for all the fucking Hepatitis you
sick bitches" he concluded.
New Study Tells Us Much About Obesity.
January 8, 1999 University of California, Berkeley, CA The University
of California at Berkeley revealed today startling new findings in
investigations leading to the possible origins of obesity.
Debbie Wong, a researcher at UC Berkeley's Obesity Research Group
leads the project.
"We have found an alarming correlation between morbid obesity, or
people who are morbidly obese AND behavior such as sitting at home
watching Jerry Springer while eating loads of fatty food. In other words,
people acting like fat fucking pigs."
Making the problem worse, are the plethora of fat foods marketed as
being healthy.
"Without a doubt, the "eat lard and be fit and healthy" campaign has
been very damaging to many Americans" states Dr. Wong. "Americans
should think twice before eating 3 pounds of lard in a single sitting...as
the ad campaign recommends as a normal serving."
Although UC Berkeley's and Dr. Wong's research are inconclusive, it
would tend to suggest that very fat people are disgusting and should
bathe more often.
Did you hear that Donald Trump broke up with his supermodel girlfriend? She did something that damaged the relationship
forever. She turned 25!
Here's an amazing statistic. During George W. Bush's term as Texas Governor, 113 people have been executed. In fact, it
has gotten so busy on Texas' death row that the last meal is a buffet.
Sean "Puffy" Combs is in a lot of trouble. If convicted of gun charges, he could get 15 years in prison. He is quoted as
saying, "I can't go to prison, my ass will get more attention than Jennifer's..."