Slicker_02/12/2000 left Comedy Corner at 16:44:11
Slicker_02/12/2000 16:43:19
I was approached by a corporation asking me if I would consider hiring on with them. My sole reponsibilites would be to create and maintain a corporate website for them incorporating e-commerce through online ordering of their vast array of products. When asked what my financial requirement would be I replied: "in the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?" the human resourses officer then commented.
"Wow! Are you kidding?" I countered in disbelief.
"Yeah," he said, "But you started it."
More about that at another time.

An old friend sent me this via e-mail and I thought I'd copy it here in Comedy Corner in hopes that you will add to the nonsense. My thanks go out to Marty from North Jersey for the following:

See if you can think of any more......

Things you'll never hear a guy say!
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place. (or Ally McBeal)
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has too much nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake
23. I dont like to masterbate.
24. Women are much better drivers.

Allow me to add one...
25. I promise I won't cum in your mouth.

Have a Great Weekend!

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sparky 23:34:07
Subject: Beer Warning Labels

Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a**hole.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named HOSS
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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Kristen 18:06:13
Happy New Year! I know that it's over a month late in announcing but with grading exams and tying up loose ends I've been extremely busy and apologize for not having stopped into Comedy Corner. I happened to be checking out the site and saw Fargo's message on the message board and felt guilty for not at least saying hello since before Christmas.
My students in the 5th Grade at Beckley Elementary are still having a problem with their grammer and vocabulary. So today, I asked for a show of hands for those that could use the word beautiful in the same sentence twice.
The first one that I called on was Suzie Whittaker who responded: "My daddy bought my mama a beautiful new dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Excellent!" I told her. Next, I called on Sammy Taylor who responded with: "My mama planned out a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
"That's a wonderful sentence, Sammy." I told him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Johnny Hatfield flailing his arms and jumping up and down in his seat trying to get my attention. It was against my better judgement to call on him (see my entry in the Comedy Corner Archive dated 10/3/99), but I told him to give us his example.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant." exclaimed Johnny. "My dad, choking on his pork chop said: 'Beautiful.....just Fucking Beautiful!!!'"
I should have known better! But you have to admit... it was hilarious. I had to turn my back away from the class to hide my laughter. The bell rang and it was time for the kids to go home. I told Johnny that if he ever used such language in class again, he would be sent home and suspended for week.
It's tough being the heavy. I could almost read Johnny's mind when he looked at me after I laid down the law. It was like "Fucking Bitch" was written all over his face. He left without saying a word.
Until next time,

Love,
Kristen

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Fargo 02/06/00 11:43:26
Hillary will declare her candidacy for the U.S. Senate today. This morning on Fox News Sunday, Mayor Guilianni stated that he never
"declares" his candidacy for office and will not this time. According to the polls, Guilanni leads Hillary 49% to 30%. This means that as soon as Hillary
announces, she's running 2nd in a 1 person race.... Hmmmm....


What is going on in professional sports? You've got NFL players committing murder, doing drugs, they're stalking women. I
think the wrong guys on the field are wearing the stripes. In fact, so many have been arrested, this Sunday they are thinking
of changing the Pro Bowl to the Pro/Con Bowl.

Bush supporters are comparing McCain to Clinton. McCain is personable and so is Clinton. McCain wants a tax cut and so
does Clinton. McCain was a prisoner of war for 5 years, Clinton is married to Hillary.


Regis Philbin was asked how things are going and he said that he wants more ethnic diversity on "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire." So, next week all the contestants will be workers from Kathie Lee's sweatshop.

The other day, in New York, a nine-year-old was called for jury duty. But she was excused because she had previously
been convicted of a felony.

The actor who played Scotty on Star Trek announced that he is going to be a father at the age of 79. So apparently he
can still "beam it up."

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is looking for minority contestants. So far they have found a virgin from Hollywood, a man
who likes Michael Bolton, a straight florist and someone who laughed at "Veronica's closet."


I really, really enjoyed Groundhog day. It was nice to finally see something crawl out of a hole in the ground that wasn't
running for president.
John McCain easily beat George W. Bush in the New Hampshire primary. It goes to show you that people will take a
hothead anytime over a crackhead anyday of the week.


Have you heard about Mensa? A four year old Texas girl has been admitted into Mensa an elite society for geniuses. And
the 4 year old girl demonstrated her extremely high level of intelligence when she correctly answered NO to the question "Hi,
I'm Michael Douglas, would you like to have a drink?"

Madonna pregnant again? Hmmm, I wonder who the lucky team is?


.
Mike Tyson in England today visited an old age home, apparently looking for his next opponent.
In Florida, an 88 year old man arrested after buying $10 worth of crack from an undercover policeman. I didn't even know
Keith Richards was in Florida.


Wednesday was Groundhog Day. And according to the results in New Hampshire, Bush has at least another 6 weeks of McCain.


In the New Hampshire primary, McCain did really well with the independent voter, Al Gore did well with party regulars and
Gary Bauer did well among voters who were just kidding.

Lisa Marie Presley is getting married again. Congratulations. This is her third marriage. And she is looking forward to having
a child. She says that she doesn't care if it's a girl, a boy or a Michael Jackson.

Well, we had the big presidential primary Tuesday. Right after the polls closed, John McCain was declared a big, big winner. I
guess this is the biggest setback for George W. Bush since his SAT's.
Baltimore Ravens backstabber, I mean linebacker, Ray Lewis charged with murder for allegedly stabbing 2 men after a
Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Now how can 1 football player stab 2 people. O.J.'s lawyer told us over and over that was not
physically possible.
Major League Baseball's John Rocker, know what he got? One month suspension with pay. What's that? It's called a
vacation.


Al Gore scheduled a campaign appearance at 3am. He has a brand new campaign strategy. He wants to start with
people sleeping and work his way up.


Did you hear about the rapper JZ indicted on assault charges for allegedly stabbing a record executive last month. When
asked why he stabbed the guy, he said "Because I didn't have a gun."
Happy Birthday to the funk meister, Rick James. 48 last Tuesday. His friends threw him a big party. When he walked in, everyone
yelled surprise and jumped out except the girl chained to the bed.


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Fargo 02/02/00 13:58:08
Here's the first quotable quote of the century:

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous
Jenny Craig weight-loss):

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me"

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Fargo 02/01/00 18:55:47
Did you enjoy the Super Bowl Sunday? It took 34 years but we finally got a good game. The St. Louis Rams won. You
know, the Rams they left LA. It's hard for LA to watch that. It's like watching your ex-wife winning the lottery.

What a great event. You have muscles straining, the bones crunching, the legs
breaking. And THAT was just the pre game show with Tina Turner.

Did you all like the commercials? Which one was the most popular? The Budweiser dog was the most popular one. The
dog tries to remember the saddest day in his life. Obviously, the dog has never been neutered.

Did you see that stupid Mike Tyson fight? What a rip-off that was. Even people with illegal cable hookups were demanding
their money back.
That Julius Francis guy that Tyson fought, he didn't have a chance. At the pre fight, they put a toe tag on him.


President Clinton was nominated for the Nobel Peace prize. They say his chances are not good. They say that it is very
rare that a sitting political leader wins the Nobel Peace Prize, especially one where the wife isn't talking to him.

In the New Hampshire primary, apparently John McCain on the Republican side has a razor thin lead over George W.
Bush. Bush says he isn't worried, he has seen razor thin lines before and they always disappear.
What a great event. You have muscles straining, the bones crunching, the legs
breaking. And THAT was just the pre game show with Tina Turner.


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