How come wrong telephone numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
And why the fuck did I hire my Cousin Harriet's boyfriend's brother as my lawyer when any competent law student could have gotten me off with a fine instead of a jail term?
...and finally...Ain't life a bitch?
Later!
That show "Who wants to be married to a multi-millionaire" reminds me that C-SPAN has a new show with President Clinton,
"Who wants to be First Lady for a night?"
Hillary Clinton has promised to go back to the diner where she stiffed the waitress. She vowed to leave a tip but the
waitress said that President Clinton had already taken care of it.
VH-1 has announced that they are looking for 4 guys to play the Monkees in their TV movie. Why don't they get the
original Monkees. I think they are available, not doing anything right now.
During a radio interview, George W. Bush said that he would not appoint an openly gay person to his administration. He
went on to say "all my appointees will be repressed homosexuals or closet cases."
Down in Tampa, Florida spring training for major league baseball got underway last week in a very touching ceremony at the
Atlanta Braves training camp. Pitcher John Rocker threw out the first racial slur.
Did you watch President Clinton's press conference? He came out in support of Al Gore. He said that Al Gore has always
been brutally honest. But to Bill Clinton, any kind of honesty is brutal.
The race between Bush and McCain is getting pretty nasty. Bush's allies putting out a magazine accusing McCain of being
a marxist who doesn't particularly care that his wife used to be a drug addict. They also said that he and some hippy friends
broke into the White House and gave Reagan Alzheimer's.
George Michael was being sued by the policeman who arrested him for masturbating in a bathroom. Yesterday the judge
threw the case out of court. Apparently, Michael was so happy he asked for a 10 minute recess.
Remember there was a radioactive gas leak at a power plant in New York? Well, today another gas leak occurred when
Starr Jones ate a 20 pack of Chicken McNuggets, 6 pickled eggs and 2 Polish sausages... washed down by a 6 pack of
Old Milwaukee...
Well, that's all from Dallas..... Back to you Slicker....
A bra fitting specialist was at Macy's today, checking out women's breasts to make sure you are wearing the right bra. How
do you get a job like that? I don't remember the guidance counselor on career day in school even bringing this up. Damn!
Bill Bradley is accusing Al Gore of using unfair tactics to win over gay voters. I think he is right because yesterday Al Gore said
that his running mate would be either Ziegfrid or Roy.
In Seattle, a man robbed a bank wearing a flowered pink dress because he didn't want people to see his face.
Unfortunately, now the man is in jail and nobody is looking at his face.
NBC has taken "Freaks and Geeks" off the air. It looks like Steve Forbes is never going to find any work now.
Monday in an interview with CNN, President Clinton said that one of the toughest things about Hillary's campaign for the
New York Senate is having to listen to people criticize her. He said people lying about his wife drives him nuts. That's what he
said. Apparently, lying TO his wife, there is nothing wrong with that.
Of course Tuesday was day 3 of Deborah Norville in prison in North Carolina. Inside Edition says that she is getting the exact
same treatment that anyone with a TV crew and camera would. My question is this. If she gets good ratings, will they make
her stay there?
The Republicans had a big debate in South Carolina Tuesday. Very important stuff. Bush and McCain and Alan Keyes all
going at it. They are very angry with one another. But they all agree that America is basically peaceful, happy and
prosperous right now. But what they disagreed on is who's to blame.
Academy Award nominations were announced Tuesday. The biggest almost winner was "American Beauty." It got 8
nominations including one for best actor for Kevin Spacey, who when he heard about it was so excited that he almost fell out
of his closet.
The other day, after what he calls a misunderstanding, famous movie critic Rex Reed was arrested for shoplifting.
Afterwards he said his arrest was well paced and compelling, but his jail time was predictable. Shit, I thought this asshole was DEAD!!
According to the New York Post, a priest in Albany, New York is planning on undergoing a sex change operation. The
people in the parish suspected that their priest might be a woman when he quoted from the book of Oprah.
Donald Trump has announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. Boy what a shock. That was a grueling 2
weeks.
Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura says he is leaving the Reform Party. He said that it is full of phonies. That is pretty bad
when someone from professional wrestling thinks you're a phony.
I guess you heard the good news. Donald Trump not going to run for president. He said that he realized it just wasn't for
him when at a town hall meeting there wasn't even a VIP room.
The Academy Award nominationswere announced. We are all familiar with the Academy awards. It's the night
when all of Hollywood sees who goes home with the Oscars and who goes home with Courtney Love.
"We don't need anyone," he was told.
"You can't afford not to hire me," Morris said. "I can sell
anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to
sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them
two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman," Morris said. "I can
sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires
a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get
urine samples."
Morris was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to
close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in
each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt
pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on
the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr.
Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a
state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a
group policy!"
Imagine this, Hillary Clinton had breakfast at a diner in Upstate New York and she didn't give the waitress a tip. But
that is not true. She did tell her "Stay away from my husband."
A man accused of stalking actress Brooke Shields plead innocent in court in Los Angeles. Reportedly the man said he was
a big fan of the show Suddenly Susan, so he was obviously insane.
A company that insures the TV show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is suing to get let out of their contract because they
say that the questions are too easy and they are paying out too much in prize money. They say the show is so easy that
even Al Gore could win as much as $200.
There was a water main break in Chicago today. It tied up traffic for several hours. The water level got pretty high in several
parts of downtown. Authorities urged people to remain calm and reminded them that in an emergency Oprah could be used
as a flotation device.
According to a new report, casinos in Nevada took in $9 billion last year. Reached for comment, Marla Maples said, "Is
there any way I can marry the state of Nevada?"
A British Company specializing in celebrity memorabilia has sold a single hair from JFK's head for $800. That seems like a
lot of money. William Shattner got a whole head full of the stuff for about $60 over here at Costco.
Have you seen this ad for a thing called "Fat Whacker?" Wasn't that Monica Lewinsky's nickname in high school?
According to the latest report, there may be a world wide shortage of caviar. More bad news for Steve Forbes. It just never
ends. This guy could starve to death.
They are getting ready for Mardi Gras next week. The Police in New Orleans are cracking down on woman who flash their
breasts. It's like a custom. Woman flash to get cheap beads and jewelry. In Dallas, we call that "dating."
Cindy Crawford said that it is not easy being a model while breastfeeding because during photo shoots she leaks
sometimes.It sounds like the greatest "Got Milk" ad ever.
Al Gore was in Los Angeles today and Bill Clinton gave Al some advice. He said if you are going to be in the LA area, be
sure to visit Beverly Hills. Yes, Beverly Hills, one of the finest strippers in West Hollywood.
This rose thing for Valentine's Day is the biggest scam ever. You know who I feel sorry for? Anyone who dies on
Valentine's day, try to get flowers on that day!
Bill Bradley is trying to liven up his campaign. He's bringing in a 60's group. I think it's Gerry and the Pacemakers.
It is getting to be a nasty fight between George W. Bush and John McCain. McCain said today "I still has some of the
fighter pilot in me." Bush said "Oh yeah, I still have some of the out-of-control coke head in me."
Rudy Guliani is criticizing Hillary because he claims a song that was played at her campaign event encourages
masturbation. Hillary responded, "with a husband like mine, I need to encourage masturbation."
Hillary's announcement to run for the Senate was on the front page of every newspaper last week. She's been saying for over
a year she's going to run. I guess they figure that when a Clinton keeps a promise, that is front page news.
Hillary said that in her candidacy, she will work to lift people up and not push people down. The exact opposite of Bill's
philosophy.
Mayor Guliani is getting on Hillary's case about playing a Billy Joel song when she announced the other day. "Captain
Jack" is a song that deals with drugs and masturbation and so forth. He said Hillary is saying YES to drugs and masturbation
because of this song. We all know that Hillary isn't saying yes to drugs and masturbation. She said I DO to drugs and
masturbation.
According to the National Enquirer, Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford are talking about getting a divorce. I think the story may
be true because Kathie Lee just offered a Venezuelan boy $1.95 to be her lawyer.
Did you see the Mary Tyler Moore movie? It reunites characters Mary Richards and Rhoda Morgenstern. This time it's set in
New York City. You can tell it's the Big Apple because in the opening scene where Mary tosses her hat in the air, it gets shot
to pieces by Puff Daddy.
According to a new study from the Mayo Clinic, optimists live 19% longer than pessimists. An easy way to remember which
is which, the pessimist believes the glass is half empty and the optimist believes the bong is half full.
New York Daily News said that O.J. Simpson may be getting married to his current girlfriend. Hey, it's her funeral!
Naomi Campbell, super model, sexy and petite has plead guilty to beating her assistant with a telephone. She thinks it's
part of the Ike Turner Friends and Family plan.
Hillary Clinton officially announced her run for the Senate. She said "The last few months have just been a dry run. Come
to think of it, the last 15 years of my marriage have just been a dry run."
Sunday would have been Bob Marley's 55th birthday. A memorial was held for him in his hometown of Kingston, Jamaica.
Actually, it was quite an emotional event. There wasn't a dry bong in the place.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over. Nobody's
home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He
said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can
hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and I look in the mirror...I feel throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Here's something to think about...
Mississippi Outlaws Hard-Ons
[If hard-ons are outlawed, only outlaws will have hard-ons]
Proposed law in Mississippi would
(ahem) get a grip on public priapism
WASHINGTON, DC -- There's a new contender for the year's
dumbest proposed law: A bill in Mississippi that would make it a
crime -- punishable by a year in jail -- for a man who is, ahem,
sexually aroused (but fully clothed) to appear in public.
"Talk about hitting below the belt!" said George Getz,
Libertarian Party press secretary. "Are phallic felonies really so
frequent in Mississippi that the state needs a Private Parts Police
to patrol men's underwear?"
The bill in question -- SB 2013, introduced by Republican
State Senator Tom King -- is currently being considered by the
Mississippi Senate Judiciary Committee.
It would redefine public indecency to include the showing of
"covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state." Violators
could face up to a year in prison and a $2,000 fine.
But wait a second, say Libertarians: Is public tumescence
really a problem that is, ahem, popping up all over in Mississippi?
Not even the bill's sponsor thinks so. State Senator King
says the bill is intended to regulate the behavior of patrons at
strip clubs.
"Unfortunately, King followed the First Rule of Politics:
When in doubt, legislate," said Getz. "That's why America has so many
of these kind of absurd laws."
In fact, the proposed Mississippi law joins a long list of
laughable legislation, he noted:
* In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream
cone in your pocket.
* In St. Louis, Missouri, it's illegal to sit on a street
curb and drink beer from a bucket.
* In Arkansas, it's illegal for the Arkansas River to rise
higher than the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock.
* In Pocatello, Idaho, "the carrying of concealed weapons is
forbidden, unless same are exhibited in public view.
* In Utah, it's against the law to fish from horseback.
* In Wilbur, Washington, it's illegal to ride an ugly horse.
* In Jonesboro, Georgia, it's illegal to say, "Oh boy!"
* In Devon, Connecticut, it's illegal to walk backwards after
sunset.
* In Harthahorne, Oklahoma, it's illegal to put a hypnotized
person in a display window.
* In Frankfort, Kentucky, it's illegal to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
* In Zion, Illinois, it's illegal to give cigars to cats or
dogs.
* And in Bexley, Ohio, it's illegal to put a slot machine in
an outhouse.
What SB 2013 and those other laws reveal, said Getz, is that
politicians have too much time on their hands and too much power at
their disposal.
"Unless someone is putting Viagra in the water supply in
Mississippi, a bill that regulates what goes on in your underwear
sounds like a silly solution in search of a non-problem," he said.
"Of course, if this legislation applied to Bill Clinton's White
House -- where presidential priapism is a perpetual problem -- it
might be a little more understandable."
On the other hand, there is one good thing Libertarians can
say about SB 2013, said Getz: At least it's just limited to
Mississippi.
"Thank goodness this crime hasn't been federalized yet," he
said. "If that happened, we'd all have to worry about the Federal
Erections Commission."
I guess this means that I can get a man arrested in Mississippi anytime I want... lol...