Time to empty the e-mail bin. Thanks to JMcmic@aol.com for the following.....
Kids Stuff:

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-4-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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Nonsense

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.
" She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
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IDIOTS AT WORK..
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, then she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
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A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next, she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?!!?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They'retalking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.
"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."
After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.
The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."
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Strange but true...
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the tastebuds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!
A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy. Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem and with legs dangling, fall asleep.
During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate kills dogs! Chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from hemp-the stem and leaves of a marijuana plant. So that's why my money went up in smoke!
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one nut(testes).
Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA.'
By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
An elephant can smell water three miles away.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because farting in a spacesuit damages them.
Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.