I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Later!
In Dallas now, when you pull into the gas station, there are two guys in the little booth. One is the attendant and the
other is loan officer to assist you.
Hillary Clinton marched in the St. Patrick's Day Parade and spectators accused her of pandering to voters. I got to say that
they may be right, because Hillary was wearing a button saying "Kiss me, I'm Irish and oh I'm Jewish, Black, Puerto Rican
and a huge Yankee fan."
An Arkansas man charged with disorderly conduct received 10 months in jail because he mooned the judge during the
trial. The judge said "That behavior is not appropriate in the courtroom but should make you quite popular in prison."
Hillary Clinton did an interview with a New York hip hop radio station. Many didn't know that it was Hillary because she used
her rap name "Queen Subpoena."
Yes, "Queen Subpeona". In fact, Hillary said that if you vote for her, you'll also get her husband "Notorious DNA."
A little bit of tradition. A tradition with all the former vice presidents. Al Gore will be getting his own bust in the United
States Capitol. A big honor. The head will be 100% marble. Just like Al's.
Here's something that annoys me. Supermarkets all over the country are installing these new machines that give customers
the opportunity to scan and bag their own groceries. Is that an opportunity? Isn't that a job basically? Didn't we have pimpled
high school kids doing this kind of work? What is the next big opportunity going to have? "Ketchup spill on aisle 9. Here's
your chance to get in on the ground floor of a major opportunity."
People are just outraged about the price of gas. Truckers practically stormed the Capitol Thursday. Clinton says he feels your
pain. After all that has happened to him in the past few years, he knows what it feels like to have to pump it himself.
The campaign between "Bore and Gush" is still getting nastier. They are doing it over the internet. They are emailing each
other. Becoming pen pals over the internet. They've even taught Gore how to use it.
No really, the one who doesn't get the internet. Al Gore. He was in a chat room the other day and some wise-ass
said "Describe your boobs." And Gore typed in "One's the President of the United States and one's his wife".
There have been a lot of complaints about the census. Complaints that some of the questions were too personal.
Questions like "When was the last time you had sex with President Clinton?"
He goes to thevery large Grace Cathedral and begins taking photographs,
when he suddenly spots a golden telephone on a wall with a sign which reads
"$10,000 a minute".
Intrigued, he seeks out the priest and asks about the phone and the
sign.
The priest advises him that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct
line to Heaven and, if he wants to use it, he can talk directly to God.
"Thank you very much," he says and continues on his way.
His next stop is Clinton, Nebraska, and while attending a church there,
notices that there is exactly the same type of phone, with exactly The
same sign on it. Again, he seeks out the parish priest, asks the same
question, and again is told that it is a direct line to God, etc. He
thanks the priest and continues on his way.
Continuing on through many other states, he finds the same phone, same
sign and gets the same answer, until, finally, he arrives in Texas.
Upon usual golden telephone with a sign. But THIS time, the sign reads
"Calls $.25
"Bishop, I have been in cities right across the country, and in each
church I found this golden telephone, was told that it was a direct line
to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in all the other churches
across the country, it was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"
The Bishop smiles benignly at him and says "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a
local call from here."
Forecast for the rest of the week in LA. Cloudy with a chance of scattered airplane parts. Yesterday a wheel from the
landing gear of an American Airlines jet fell off the plane, crashed down on the road and rolled down the street. Almost hit a
Southwest jet that was driving up the road.
In this File gate thing, President Clinton said that the White House getting FBI files on Republicans was a completely
honest mistake. Wouldn't you know it. The first completely honest thing Clinton has done and it was a mistake. What are the
odds of that?
Gore and Bush have gotten to the email stage. Bush emailed Gore and Gore tried to email him back but he couldn't get
the stamps to stick to the screen.
The 2000 Census forms are arriving. They say that the average household will take 38 minutes to complete the census
and another 5 seconds to chuck it in the garbage when you realize that Clinton will have your daughter's phone number.
Elton John and Elizabeth Taylor will be hosting a lingerie fashion show for charity. Apparently, Elton John and Liz Taylor
will raise millions of dollars by threatening to put the lingerie on.
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says,
"Well, it sure had a big dick!"
For those of you parents who have children on spring break, you may already be grandparents.
Here we are on spring break or as George Bush calls it, college.
President Clinton and the National Rifle Association are going at it. They do not like each other. The NRA said that Clinton
is a man who wants to control every citizen in the United States. Oh, come on. Clinton can't even control himself.
Have you seen those NRA ads where Charlton Heston attacks Clinton? It's tough taking sides in an argument between
Charlton Heston and Bill Clinton. Because on one side you have a classic actor trained to fake emotion for the camera. Then
on the other side, you have Charleton Heston.
Gas is getting expensive. In Dallas, taxi drivers are now taking the REAL way to the airport.
Here on the news in Dallas, they said they had a dog who could add, subtract and multiply. Is that really a story? When you
can get one of our Dallas high school students to do that, that'll be a story.
Okay, yesterday was Super Tuesday. We now have Al Bore and George Gush. Bore and Gush. In a related story today, they
cloned a pig. The sad thing is, not only are we stuck with these bores for 8 months til the election, but we can't even afford
the gas to get away.
There was actually a Democratic Primary last week in Arizona. Americans, were allowed via the internet for the first time in
history. Not surprisingly, Al Gore lost big time to Alyssa Milano.
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! A while back one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed
it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything
else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, I remember way back one time
my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big
posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back
home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either. How about this, has
anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few
seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
It was really nice this weekend. About 68 degrees. People were sweating like a guy with $30 in his pocket, trying to fill up a
Ford Excursion.
Gas is so expensive, guys are now dating Monica Lewinsky just for her cyphoning skills.
Kind of an embarrassing moment for Al Gore this past weekend. He and Tipper were at home, in Washington. They sent
out for Chinese takeout and the restaurant sent over $2 million in cash.
In an interview yesterday with the New York Times, Al Gore said that he is going to make campaign finance reform a
cornerstone of his campaign. And he also said that anyone could have their name engraved in the cornerstone for a simple
donation of $10,000.
So, it's going to be George W. Bush vs Al Gore. That's kind of like Tylenol PM vs Nyquil. Paper or plastic, what do you
want?
According to the New York Post, Hollywood madame has filed for bankruptcy. She's gone belly up!
Strange story in Kissimmee, Florida. Six minor league players for the Houston Astros were tied up in their hotel room and
robbed by armed gunmen. Then they were ripped off again when they tried to make a long distance call from the motel room
phone.
Here's a true gentleman. The NFL all time leading passer and touch down leader Dan Marino retired today. What an
example to other NFL players. 17 years and not ONE murder.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people
is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them
during the examination. He may only see their reflection in
a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of
the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood
at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for
the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason:
under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in
the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but
only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be
in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the
thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume
this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed
from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic
beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is
this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!)
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!... Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the pay checks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.