How many of you have filed your tax return? Well, everyone here in Dallas is in the tax time mood. The hookers
down on Harry Hines Blvd , for an extra $50 will help you handle your extension.
A new study by the Parents Television Counsel says that sexual content on primetime TV has tripled in the last 10 years. I
think I speak for every concerned American male when I say "And your point is...?"
Britney Spears was injured when a video camera crashed on her head when she was shooting a new video. The wound to
her head was pretty bad. Paramedics say that she lost a lot of air.
There is a new magazine called "Joey" and it's aimed at gay and bisexual teen males. Among the features in the
magazine is an advice column that talks about how you can be discreet if you are gay or bisexual. I have an idea. Don't buy
the magazine!
The California city of Santa Cruz has legalized marijuana for medical purposes. Just a word of advice to Whitney Houston.
Bitchy is not a disease.
I've got an idea. Why don't we keep the kid and send Cuba Ricky Martin?
This gas situation is getting crazy. The prices are skyrocketing. This is how crazy the gas prices are. The Domino's Pizza
guy asked if I could meet him half way.
According to the feminists groups are saying that there aren't enough woman police officers. Not enough female officers?
What about the cop in the Village People? Hello?
Experts say the reason why there aren't enough female officers is that they just don't understand the "right to remain
silent."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young gunman did what he was told,
then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano
player.
"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer
hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will, " said the old man. The young guy did what he was told,
drew his gun in a blur and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with
me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over
there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The man didn't
hesitate but started putting the grease just on the barrel of the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that
piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as
much."
You know the guy who found the missing Oscar Academy Award statuettes, Willie Fulgear? He saved the day. Well,
this guy is really making hay while the sun shines. He is really enjoying his 15 minutes of fame. Earlier today, he was involved
in a nightclub shooting with Jennifer Lopez.
In Washington, last night, this was kind of scary. The Secret Service arrested a guy in the middle of the night,
climbing over the fence at the White House. The interesting thing about this, usually when a guy is climbing over the fence at
the White House in the middle of the night, it's Clinton.
The Senate has been having hearings on internet stalking. Yesterday they listened to several teenage girls testify about
meeting men on the internet and being lured into a rendezvous where they were forced to perform unspeakable sexual acts.
The senators agreed that this is not the biggest problem facing America but it sure beats the hell out of listening to Alan
Greenspan.
I am very excited because yesterday was the opening day of baseball. It conjures up all those classic images of fresh cut grass,
families picnicking in the bleachers, Darryl Strawberry peeing in a cup.
Well, that's it from Dallas..........
How many of you have done your taxes? How many don't plan on doing your taxes? I was looking at the 1040 form and
there is a little box you can check if you want to send Hillary back to Arkansas.
People, political pundits are saying now that if Hillary is elected as senator, she will then run for president. That's all we
need, Bill Clinton back in the White House with even more free time on his hands.
They discovered another mass grave in Uganda. Wait it gets funnier. You heard about those cults? This is going to hurt
the Uganda tourist industry. I mean I had just begun to think of Uganda as a safe place where I could go to starve, get
eaten or have aids.
In Las Vegas, a 77 year old woman was attacked by killer bees. It took paramedics a fire hose to get the bees off of her
and a crowbar to get her arm off the slot machine.
Did you all get your census forms? I have an idea. You know where it says race? Let's all check "Eskimo" and see what
happens.
It is being reported that Whitney Houston pulled out of the Oscar show after flubbing her lines in rehearsal and appearing
totally "out of it." I think I speak for all Americans when I say "Thank you marijuana."
.
It's amazing to me that a show that lasts 4 hours long has the nerve to hand out awards for editing. (Academy Awards)
It is too bad that the Academy Awards show wasn't as tight as Faye Dunaway's face.
In San Francisco, a jury has awarded for the first time a 20 million dollar reparation to a woman who started smoking
AFTER the warnings started appearing on cigarette pack. In a related story, Tony Bennett wants 50 million dollars from the
city for misplacing his heart.
In Seattle, the Kingdome, the home of the Seattle Mariners was imploded. They blew the thing up. There is a similar plan
here in Dallas to blow up the Reunion Arena while the Mavericks are still in it.
Disney has announced it will abolish a ban and will now allow employees of Disneyland and Disneyworld to have
mustaches. A spokesman says that it is all part of a plan to attract more Hungarian women.
Well, that's what's happening from here.....
Slicker, back to you...
Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in this tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spillage against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Here's some good news, the man that found the Oscars statues in the dumpster early this week will get the $50,0000
reward for finding them. Uncovered 52 Oscars. Who said a black guy can't get an Oscar in Hollywood. 52 in one shot.
Okay, this man that found the Oscars, is getting $50,000, 2 tickets to attend the Oscars and Madonna has asked him to
father her next child.
Madonna, as you know is pregnant. The father of the baby is a film director. I guess he didn't say "cut" soon enough.
Last night I saw Castro on the news last night. He's talking about the Elian Gonzalez case. He's got the cigar, the gray
beard, the long hair. Then I realized that's not Castro, that's Elian. He's really OLD now
Did you see President Clinton on the news in India? Hundreds of women honored him by throwing rose petals on him. I
guess the thorns scratched his neck and back, or at least that is what he told Hillary.
President Clinton said that this week's visit to the Taj Mahal fulfilled one of his life dreams. I believe the other life dream
involved the Barbie twins and a vat of Jello.
Last night for the 3rd time since the show began, someone won a million dollars on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" I think
that success is going to Regis' head though. He told the winner, "You just won 1/35th of my annual salary."
China has announced this week that it will offer cable TV to 800 million TV viewers. Can you imagine 800 million people
waiting for the cable guy? You might go home sometime between now and the year 2040.
The Oscars are Sunday. I love Billy Crystal but the show is too long. You know how you can tell it's too long? You know
that montage they do every year of famous stars that have died? You ever notice that as you are watching it, some of those
people were in the audience earlier in the evening?
Clinton spoke at India's Parliament. They are a very proud nation. You can not tell them what to do. Clinton said he would
never presume to tell a nation of over a billion people how to run their affairs. But "would it kill you guys to wear a condom
once in a while?"
They say because of the Oscars coming up this Sunday, Los Angeles limosine companies are saying that their cars have
been booked for 3 solid months. Which could be dangerous because if there aren't enough cars, Halle Berry could drive
herself.
According to a new study, contestants in the Miss America pageant have been getting thinner and thinner and many are
malnourished. For instance, last year's winner is wearing her crown as a belt.
Are you watching these NCAA games? They start off with 64 teams, then 32, then 16 then 8 and eventually one winner.
The same way Madonna picks fathers for her kids.
Monica had hired a personal trainer and then fired him the next day because he talked to the press. One minute you think
you've got a job for life...and then nothing.
I was watching Martha Stewart this morning and they said that if your shoes smell bad, just pour kitty litter in them and it
takes the smell out. Unless of course you have a cat.
Congratulations to Madonna. She's having another baby. Madonna is now begging people and the press to respect her
privacy. Yeah. Because you know, you think privacy you think Madonna.
Hey, remember President Clinton? He's still in office. He's out of the country. He's in India right now. He's taking a tour of
the Taj Mahal. I don't care whether you like him or dislike him, this guy can be such a "boob." He's walking around the Taj
Mahal saying "Where's the casino?"
Yes, India is like Clinton's nightmare. 400,000 square miles without a McDonald's.
But Katie Couric on 20/20 has been asking some tough questions. She asked point blank "What has been the toughest
hurdle since the murder?" And John said, "Well the cover-up."
The Ramseys also said that they certain that they will always stay together as man and wife. "Well, duh... this way they can't
testify against each another."
Well, I had my car towed today. I am SO mad. Nothing wrong with it, just cheaper than putting gas in it.
Springtime in New York City. Isn't it nice? It was so nice today that down at the coroner's office, they were doing autopsies
in the parking lot.
We're in the middle of a transportation crisis in Dallas. We are running out of cabs. Until this crisis is resolved, the city has said that it
is okay to go ahead and urinate in buses.
Are you excited about the census? The US is taking another census, those nosey bastards.
I think here in Dallas we should be very proud because only 3 census workers have been murdered.
I filled out my census today. I said that I had a wife and 3 kids. I didn't want to look like a loser.
Madonna announced that she was pregnant. I guess I was like every guy in America trying to figure out when the last time
I had sex with her was.
This is relieving news to me. The LAPD has made 2 arrests in the stolen Oscar statuette case. Thank God. For awhile they
said that the case was so baffling they didn't know WHO to plant evidence on.
Monica Lewinsky has hired a personal trainer to workout privately with her in her apartment. When asked about it, Monica
said "We're going to start slow with 3 lb. cigars.
One day after hiring a personal trainer, Monica Lewinsky has fired the guy. It just didn't work out. This guy wanted her to
get up early, run 5 miles a day and do sit-ups. Monica wanted to sleep late, watch cartoons and brush her teeth with
mayonnaise
Did you hear the news from London? Madonna 3 months pregnant with her second child. And if its a boy, this will be the
longest relationship she has ever had with a man
Speaking of Madonna being pregnant, Her team of gynecologists discovered the fetus in an exam
Sunday. While they were in there, they think they found the 2 missing Oscars.
.
Monica Lewinsky is getting serious about losing weight. It's been reported that she has hired a personal trainer. She said
that she knew it was time to hire a trainer when she discovered she had "love handles" on her ears.