A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain
at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big
blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK
jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me
from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my
full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women
at large...all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that
little bastard on your knee!"
Friday April 14
On this day in 1865, Abraham Lincoln was shot. Do want to know why he was shot? His cell phone kept going off.
George W. Bush was asked if he thought Al Gore would give Bill Clinton a presidential pardon. But said that Clinton would
not seek a pardon and Bush takes Clinton at his word. Is that ironic? The only person left in the country that still believes
Clinton and it's the republican candidate. Even Hillary is saying "Hey what are you smoking?"
Plans are underway for the 100 million dollar Clinton presidential library to be built at the banks of the Arkansas River.
Historians are saying that this will be the only presidential library in history with a mirror on the ceiling.
I read that President Clinton is getting a refund on his taxes. This guy was cited for contempt of court, he was impeached,
this guy lied to the American public. WE should be getting a refund.
Big meeting. George W. Bush met with gay republicans. That is a complicated person. A gay republican hates Hillary
Clinton but they love what she has done with her hair.
Did you see that video of Elian Gonzalez saying he wants to stay in America? Experts are saying that in the video the boy
was coached on what to say. And they may have a point. Toward the end you can hear Regis Philbin asking "Is that your
final answer?"
Today the DOW and the NASDAQ suffered their worst point loss ever. Apparently, Bill Gates spent the day designing a
Windows product he could jump out of.
Thursday April 13
The government officials have charged 25 employees of Federal Express with importing and distributing over 100 tons of
marijuana. I guess the tip off was the 500 packages going to Whitney's house.
Today is Frank Woolworth's birthday, founder of the five and ten cent store. You know how he died? He was nickled and
dimed to death.
John and Patsy Ramsey agreed to a lie detector test under certain conditions. They want Regis to ask the questions. They
want 3 lifelines.
I saw a "Spring thing" today, you know, the "Only in New York Spring Scene." The New York City police were shooting an
unarmed sparrow.
It's tax time. I got some good news from my accountant. I can now declare as a dependent Elian Gonzalez.
Here's what happened today. The United States government sent a letter warning the relatives of Elian Gonzalez. I am
thinking "Oh, great that will speed things up. Get the US Post Office involved."
Conan
The other day while making a speech at a high school, an activist for abstinence actually told a group of teenagers that
whenever they feel the need to have sex, instead they should have a Snickers bar. She did NOT say where to put the
Snickers bar.
A former Star Search contestant name Vincent Chen was found guilty of sexual assault yesterday. Faces up to 50 years in
prison. His conviction officially makes him the most famous person to come from Star Search.
Everyone is getting into the movies. Monica Lewinsky has been offered a part in the movie "Crimes of Fashion." I believe
she is playing the heavy.
Wednesday April 12
Been watching CNN all day. The Cuban News Network. Aren't you getting sick of all this?
Janet Reno is getting tough. Says that if they don't give up Elian by tomorrow they are sending in the Ramseys.
Yesterday, Vice President Al Gore got caught in some more exaggerations. He does tend to exaggerate.
Remember he invented the internet? I guess he hosted a fund raiser attended by 50 gay and lesbian activists. He not only
told them that he wrote the song "YMCA" he told them that he was the cowboy in the Village People.
Monica Lewinsky says that she is going to vote for Hillary Clinton in the New York senate race. I am sure that Hillary is
thrilled about that. She not only has the woman's vote but now she has the Other woman's vote.
You want to know hot the 1040 Tax form got it's name? For every $50 you make, you get 10 and the government gets 40.
And here is the big story, doctors in Washington say that John Hinckley Jr., the idiot that tried to assassinate President
Reagan, he is now well enough to be let out to wander the streets of Washington DC on his own. He can go out on field trips
by himself. What a strange country we live in. We send a 6 year old back to Cuba but Hinckley, "La La La..I'm going to the
gunshow in Virginia."
John and Patsy Ramsey say they are willing to take a lie detector test under one condition. No questions about the death
of their daughter Jon Benet. They'll talk about their vacation, the house in Atlanta but no questions about Jon Benet. This is
true they agreed to take a lie detector test not because they want to cooperate but they can't remember which one did it.
The crime rate in NYC is getting a bit frightening. Some guys busted into Bloomingdales and
steal 3000 cashmere sweaters. Police are describing the suspects as armed and casual.
I have an update on Elian Gonzalez. He has decided to stay in the United States and become a Latin pop star.
Big day for all of New York and all of baseball. Home opener for Yankee Stadium earlier today. Yankees won beat the
Texas Rangers. Before the game they had a very moving ceremony, they retired Daryl Strawberry's specimen jar.
Pretty good day up in the ballpark all in all. Only three unarmed fans were shot by police. Pretty good.
Now this Elian Gonzalez thing will get resolved. Janet Reno is involved. Now this will get resolved. Reno. The little tike and
the Big...anyway.
She didn't threaten the drunk uncles of Elian exactly but she just said, "Waco and smell the coffee."
Tuesday April 11
Republican candidate George W. Bush was in Los Angeles over the weekend. He told a women's group that he's a
different kind of Republican who welcomes new faces into the party. Well, he came to the right place. People in this town get
a new face every month.
Queen Elizabeth made a million and a half dollars on her internet stock. And some gossip, the Queen likes to get on the
internet, but she likes to remain anonymous. You know what that means? She is a closet queen.
I saw the Arista 25th anniversary celebration and Whitney Houston was great. She sang 6 hits on stage and did 25
hits offstage.
Here's one of those "Only in California" stories. Up in Santa Cruz, the world's first Bed and Breakfast for marijuana users is
open. A hotel for people who want to smoke dope. They have a parking lot but nobody find their car. The only hotel that
never had a request for a wake up call. Wouldn't they be paranoid? The maid knocks and 30 toilets flush at the same time.
It's the middle of April and it's cold in NYC. It's so coldresidentstried to get Janet Reno to send them back to Cuba.
The culture is much different in Havana, Cuba. The big hit TV show there is "Who Wants to Win a Live Chicken?"
John Hinckley has been given close a clean bill of health by his doctors. They want him to have unsupervised visits with his
parents. They say he has made a full recovery. The final cure came when he watched a video of "Anna and the King" and
convinced them he no longer had the slightest interest in Jodie Foster.
Oprah is going to debut a new magazine, called "O." The publishers say that Oprah will appear on the cover of every
issue. Although they do promise to get someone else for the swimsuit issue.
An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the fur of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The
sweaters are being refused by many penguins who would rather die than dress casual.
The city of Chicago turned down a proposal to name a street after Hugh Hefner. They turned it down when they realized
that there was no such thing as a 3-way street.
In an article in People magazine, Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss says she had sex the very first day in prison, with a man.
Did I say Heidi Fleiss? I meant to say Robert Downey Jr.
Monday April 10
Thirty five more Cubans were taken into custody after making it to the Florida Keys. I understand that their fathers are
coming next week.
Jenny Craig dumped Monica Lewinsky. They aren't using her in those ads anymore. That's okay. She won't have any
problem getting a desk job.
According to the British Dental Journal, eating cheese helps prevent cavities. British Dental Journal. Hmm, isn't that a little
like the Amish Stereo Review?
Last Saturday it was 70 degrees and beautiful in NYC. Beautiful Spring day. Then, Sunday it was about 20 degrees and they got 10
inches of snow. In the city, Mayor Guiliani was right on the snow. As soon as it started to snow, he had the police shoot
it.
It was a bad storm. It was so bad that Puff Daddy had to put snow tires on his getaway car.
The news is the hookers in Times-Square got a snow day.
The FDA has approved a new impotence pill. There is a new one called Uprima. Viagra takes up to an hour to kick in,
whereas Uprima takes effect in fifteen minutes. In fact the slogan is "the quicker picker-upper."
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Bobby
Dear Bobby,
What, and ruin that hot love affair your dad's still having with your
babysitter? Son, he's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane! Let
me get you a G.I. Joe toy instead.
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck and I never
get one! Please, I really really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Tony
Dear Tony, I'm sorry Tony, let me make it up to you. While you sleep
tonight, I'm gonna firebomb your house. You'll have more fire trucks than
you'll know what to do with.
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy pawer ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer
Santa!
Yer FRenD,
PaTRiCk
Dear Patrick,
Nice spelling dipshit. You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn how to
read and write? By the way, I'm giving your older brother the power
ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you on the kitchen table, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Cindy
Dear Cindy,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots cause the deer to fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a Long Island Iced Tea and some pork rinds.
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping and know when we're awake, like in the
song?
Love,
Shannon
Dear Shannon,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy for everybody!
Love,
Susie
Dear Susie,
You're parents were coke addicts before they had you, weren't they?
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Do you spend it with your
elves making toys?
Your friend,
Tommy
Dear Tommy,
All toys get made in China by kids younger than you. I have a condo in
Vegas where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and
losing all my cash at the craps table.
Thanks for asking
Santa
**** **** ****
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how will you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark, First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why you're
getting your ass kicked at school everday. Second, you don't live in a
house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Third, I get
inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
**** **** ****
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please PLEASE PLEASE could I have
one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
GOOD NEWS, scientists say they can tell whether a woman is a lesbian
simply by looking at her fingers.
BAD NEWS, they just look at where her fingers are.
GOOD NEWS, two rival plays on the life of Monica Lewinsky have opened in
Cairo.
BAD NEWS, they both suck.
GOOD NEWS, in a survey, four out of ten women said they'd sleep with a man
on the first date if he had a sense of humour.
BAD NEWS, ten out of ten said they'd sleep with him if he had a hammer and
an erection.
GOOD NEWS, a French city hired 'nasal police' to locate the source of bad
smells.
BAD NEWS, they found the source - France.
GOOD NEWS, scientists have discovered that men are attracted to women with
a large vocabulary.
BAD NEWS, as long as they've got big tits.
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes
your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly
baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never
believed in Hell till I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're
not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your
sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil
was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would
you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably
need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we
call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever
find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you
heaps and think of you often."
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else.
*******************************************
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban women's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the part of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then replied angrily, "Mr. Perkins, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins.
"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
************************************
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
***************************************************
Three third graders...a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. Lets see who has the largest wang," he says. They all agree.
The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing,"says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Catholic and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played Let's see who has the largest willy." the son explained.
What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three"
****************************************************
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him. He would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed, please find a check in the amount of $250 as rent for your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediatelyreturned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Regretfully,
Landlady
********************************************
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied. "You know, fifty years ago we were sitting right here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "What do you say? Should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly whispered. "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
*****************************************************
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said: "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.
What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? lt has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked
skyward and said, "Where, where?"
How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Wut is da difference between a peanut and a blonde? There is no difference!
***********************************************
Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
************************************
Have a great rest of the weekend. And remember...don't let your meatloaf!
President Clinton urging all Americans to honestly fill out their census forms. C'mon. This is the guy who wouldn't answer a
question while he was under oath.
Elian Gonzalez' father has put off his trip to the US..... He's waiting for a strong breeze......
Yesterday, while campaigning for the New York Senate seat, Hillary Clinton criticized the National Rifle Association. Then
she admitted that she has gone hunting. Says she likes to hunt. How good of a shot can she be? Bill's still alive.
According to a report from the White House drug director or whatever you call him, the price of illegal drugs in this country is
at an all time low. Crack cocaine and heroin the cheapest they have ever been. Finally, some good news for Whitney
Houston for a change.
Have you filled out your census form? That's bad enough because the long form is like 40 pages long. And then on the
23rd we have to get together for a group photo. Did you know that?
ABC has hired Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio to interview President Bill Clinton. He goes to the White House was
granted total access. After the interview, President Clinton offered to let him sketch an intern in the nude.
You know that human ring that they formed around the house of Elian Gonzalez? Come to find out, that was just to keep
his drunk uncles from driving
.
The people around Elian's house started out chanting, "Hell no, he won't go." Then they started drinking. And by nightfall,
it was "Come baby, shake your body, do the Conga."
Reggae singer Ziggy Marley has become the official spokeman for a new energy bar made out of hemp. Apparently it gives
you just enough energy to get off the couch to get your bong.
You think this guy has it all. He's actually pretty upset. Bill Gates despondent after a district court judge ruled Microsoft
violated anti-trust rules. Bill is so upset, he tried to kill himself by jumping off his wallet.
Geraldo Rivera and his wife are splitting up. She says the reason she is divorcing Geraldo is because she is married to
Geraldo.
In a British stage production of "The Graduate" 45 year old actress Kathleen Turner appears on stage nude. In a related
story, I may never eat again.
Do we even need the census? I mean if the Publisher's Clearinghouse people can find out where we live, why can't the
government?
President Clinton said that if Hillary wins the senate race in New York, he has no idea what the duties of the husband of a
senator are. I bet you one thing, it's not interviewing interns.
Bill Gates lost 12.1 Billion dollars. That ties the old record, it was 3 tourists taking a cab to DFW, lost the same
amount.
Here's bad news for New York, the murder rate is up 13 per cent over last year. As a result, Mayor Giuliani is putting more
police on the street. I'm thinking "Now wait a minute, isn't that what caused the murder rate to go up?"
Yesterday was the birthday of the Rev. Martin Luther King. Al Gore, never losing the opportunity to pander, was at his alma
mater speaking about how blacks are lacking in access to the internet. He said he will not be happy until there is a computer
in the home of every black person and they start naming their daughters "pentium."
The other day, a woman filed a lawsuit against Catherine Zita Jones, claiming that Jones injured her in a car accident. After
hearing about his fiancé's accident, Michael Douglas said "You mean she is old enough to drive?"
Big strike in Los Angeles. Thousands of janitors have gone on strike. They say they want higher wages, greater respect
and dignity. In other words, they don't want to be janitors.
Apparently, the leaders of another crazed cult have barricaded themselves inside their compound. But enough about
Microsoft. They'll work it out.
A lot has happened in the last week. Vladimir Putin has been elected the new president of Russia. They said he will bring
some new things to the Russian presidency, like a functioning liver.
Al Gore has vowed to make Campaign Finance Reform one of his top priorities. Isn't that like making Whitney Houston in
charge of band rehearsal?
Republican candidate, George Bush said that he doesn't like the Secret Service hanging around all the time. He says they
look too much like narcs. No, he said he is more comfortable with the Texas Rangers. That's who guards him. Considering his
drug use, I think the Dallas Cowboys would be better.
Amtrak now has their own web site. But be careful. I logged on the Amtrak web site and not only did my computer crash, it
rolled down an embankment.
The state of California says that our prisons will be full by the year 2001. So if you are a rap star, make your reservations
now.
Hey good news for Charlie Sheen. A judge, in Malibu has ended his probation 71 days early. The bad news. Halle Berry is
picking him up at the court house.
Did everyone remember to change your clocks on Sunday? Here's what happened. Amtrak forgot to change their clocks and
every one of their trains arrived on time.
It's gotten to be a ritual with President Clinton down in Washington. Sunday morning at precisely 2:00 AM he moved an
intern's hand forward.
Bad news for Bill Gates. Janet Reno was up there saying "This guy broke the law and made illegal activities." She told him
in a cute way: "You've got jail!"
Did you hear about the prime minister of Japan? Wow, this is serious. He had a stroke and is a coma. They are scrambling
to find a successor. On the good side, it gives Americans some idea what it'd be like with Al Gore as president.
They did a survey of Americans about how they feel about the Elian Gonzalez situation. 6 out of 10 Americans think that
little Elian should be sent back to Cuba. 30% think he should stay in America. The rest think "This kid could go live with
Michael Jackson for all I care."