Friday April 28

Four of Elian's playmates have arrived from Cuba, plus their parents, plus a Cuban doctor, plus 12 more playmates plus his
former kindergarten teacher. Would the last person out of Cuba, turn off the lights, please?
Al Gore visited a pharmacy, got some Advil. I guess all this flip flopping on the Elian issue hurt his back.

CBS has exclusive rights for a four part series on O.J. Simpson. And NBC have exclusive rights to his next murder.
You remember O.J. Simpson, don't you? He's the one that got better treatment from the police than Elian Gonzalez.
I thought this was nice. There will be about 12 of Elian's classmates here in the United States and Janet Reno has
promised each and every one of them their very own pre dawn raid.

The other night in Washington, George W. Bush held a very successful huge fundraiser that featured a disco band and a
laser light show. Apparently, the event was just like the 70's except that Bush remembers it.

Congratulations. People magazine has ranked the beautiful Julia Roberts #1 in this year's "50 Most Beautiful People"
Edition. Julia also took home top honors in People's lesser known magazine "50 Most Beautiful people with teeth the size of
a summer home."

Thursday April 27

Last night, in Washington, George W. Bush set a new all time political fundraising record. He raised 21.3 million dollars at
one dinner. I guess the NRA was there, the Tobacco Lobby was there. And just to rub it in to Al Gore, you know what they
ate? Spotted Owl. Just an endangered species dinner.
Six major airlines announced this week that they will have beds in their international flights. That's kind of weird. If you
travel a lot you wake up with a strange person every time you fly. President Clinton says, "So?"

It's "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" today. It was really started by Bill Clinton about 8 years ago, when he was spotted
leaving the Oval Office one night with an 18 year old intern.
All of the INS agents brought their daughters to work today for a pre dawn raid.

Janet Reno had to defend further her actions in snatching Elian out of the house. She revealed that family members put a
couch in front of the door, which took a lot of work cause they had to drag it in from the front lawn.

Today was "Take Your Daughter to Work" day or as they call it in the White House, "Back Off, President, She's Only 16"
day.

The new cologne out is the "Ricky Martin" cologne. Available soon, it's the scent that says, "Hey baby, not interested."
Airline manufacturer Boeing is designing jets that allow passengers to plug their laptops into the internet. You can log on
the internet in the air, the advance expected to change seating options to first class, coach and porn.

Wednesday April 26

It was so hot here today, I was sweating like Whitney Houston before a drug test.

It was so hot today that people were hoping that INS would kick the door in just for the cool breeze.

Every night Elian is sleeping in a different bed. He said "I feel like the president of the United States."

In Albany, New York a Republican senator there is recommending mandatory drug testing for professional wrestlers that
want to wrestle there. I think we ought to take it one step further. I think that there should be mandatory drug testing for the
people who watch professional wrestling. Because there is definitely something wrong.

The California Prune Board has petitioned the FDA, they want to change the name. They say that the name sounds too
old. They want to call them "dried plums." And the hot dog board wants to rename hot dogs to tubular rat hair canisters.
Sounds a little better. Do you think renaming old prunes will work? It didn't work for Jefferson Starship.

I was taking a cab to work this morning and it turned into an immigration raid.
Elian Gonzalez in now with his father in the Washington D.C. area and I'm thinking what a year this kid has had. When he
gets back to Cuba he's going to be behind. He will have missed a lot. For example, he will have missed an entire semester of
Commie brainwashing. He'll have to make that up somehow.

Okay people, you can breath a sigh of relief about this. The work stoppage in Miami is over. Thank God. The Cubans who
were so ticked off about Elian are back to work. And that is a good thing. As if the men there weren't idle enough with
Madonna being pregnant again.

Here is a New York story. In Times Square, a wax figure of Mayor Rudy Giuliani was unveiled. Apparently, the statue is so
lifelike that the mayor's wife, Donna Hanover, won't go near it.

Any fans of the doughnut? In Texas, 100 people camped out for the grand opening of the new Crispy Cream doughnut
shop. Some of the people were complaining because Delta Burke was 2nd, 3rd and 4th in line, blocking the way.

Tuesday April 25

It just doesn't stop. People starting fires, overturning cars, throwing rocks and bottles. Over 300 people arrested today. Not
in Miami. Those are just Microsoft shareholders looking at the stock prices.

Janet Reno said today "I have no regrets." Well, except for not wrestling professionally.

When asked why they had to use assault rifles. Janet Reno said it was because, every step of the way, the Miami relatives
kept moving the goal post. As a former fullback, she hates that.

Did you watch the Annual White House Easter Egg Roll? Hundreds of children rolling eggs along the lawn with spoons.
Nice to see the government is doing something for children other than psychologically scarring them for life.

This just in, the INS has broken into Ricky Martin's house. Grabbed him out of the living room and hustled him out into a
van.
Been following the Elian Gonzalez case and now Congress wants to hold hearings. Yeah, that will speed things up.

A couple heading to Mexico, was arrested because they were caught smuggling 7 pounds of cocaine in a hollowed out
Bible. Police got suspicious because it wasn't the King James version, it was the Keith Richards version.

A rare parrot with a 100 word vocabulary, has not spoken since it was stolen and recovered more than a month ago.
Animal experts say that the bird cannot talk because he is either traumatized or it ain't no snitch.

This is National Kareoke Week. Kareoke is a Japanese word for drunken loser.

Monday April 24

Did you all have a good holiday weekend? Of course, Easter weekend is when a lot of families get together, even if it's at
gunpoint! How about Janet Reno Warrior Princess?

That was a frightening photo, pointing an automatic weapon at a 6-year-old. Or as Kathie Lee says "Alright, back to work,
break's over. C'mon, let's make those sneakers."

The Franklin Mint has just issued the "Battle of Elian" chess set. Every piece is a pawn.

Did you see the pre-dawn raid in Miami? I haven't seen so many automatic weapons since the last time Puff Daddy went to
a nightclub.

But the immigration agents were very clever. They told the family that they were from the Publishers Clearinghouse Prize
Patrol. "We're here."
Elian could not be reached for comment today. He's been busy being exploited by different set of relatives.

Rudy Giuliani has come out against the raid. He was against it because the police didn't shoot anyone.

President Clinton was so moved by the whole thing that just before dawn this morning, he took an intern by force.

George W. Bush he said that he is "profoundly saddened and troubled" by the Gonzalez raid. I think what happened, he
saw those pictures of guys bursting in the house and it brought back bad memories of him having to flush his stash down the
toilet.

Luckily things have quieted down in Miami. The Cubans who have been forming a human chain around the house have
gone back to forming their old chain around the unemployment office.

Happy Birthday to Barbara Streisand. Babs is 58. If you want to give her a present you can't. She already got it from a gay
man.