the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered
you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in
years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the
street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excited, Bill asks,"Will that help me?"
"No", Replied the doctor, "But it will get you used to the dirt!"
It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then
castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the
population would be controlled.
I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming
Wool and Sheep Grower's association.
Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally,
a old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said:
"Son, I don' think you understand the problem. These coyotes
ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eating them!!"
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked
right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope
then stopped next to a shabbily dressed homeless man, leaned
over and whispered something in the man's ear, and made his
way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the
drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to
exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to
him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to
see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope
was making his way slowly up to the American. When he
finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and
spoke softly into his ear...
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of
here."
Monika asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," Judi replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't I was SO relieved when he told me all
I needed was blinker fluid."
Sniffing back a runny nose
A prisoner escaped from the Travis County Jail today in what could
best be called unusual circumstances. As he was being taken to a
transport outside the jail, an accomplice grabbed him and helped him
escape after distracting the guards by throwing breath mints at them.
The sheriff, said his men weren't used to Diversionary Tic-Tacs.
A guard at the Travis County Jail has been hospitalized after an
inmate escaped yesterday by using breath mints as diversions. The
guard slipped on one of the loose breath mints and fell, and the mint
was lodged underneath his toenail. The guard's injury, not considered
serious, is described as "Tic Tac Toe".
In further developments, it seems that two trustees were sweeping up
the candy when they got into what they described as a "sword fight"
with the brooms. This caused both of them to slip on the candy
pellets. When they went to the infirmary for their injuries the doctor
on hand was heard to exclaim, "Tic Tac Toe? Three in a row?"
Investigators have determined that it was not only the round nature
of the breath mints that caused the guard and the two trusties to
suffer this malady. It seems that the diversionary Tic-Tacs were
tossed in the paddy wagon parking area which is just outside the
highly polished floor of the jail's entrance. So what made these men
loose their footing? It's the Tic-Tacs & paddy wax you get your dogs
upon.
If an invasion of deer ticks in a rural area caused that locality to
have to hire an additional forestry person to deal with the problem
plus an additional public health person to deal with the resultant
Lyme Disease outbreak, and as a result of the additional expenditure
on personnel the locality was forced to levy new taxes on its populace
to cover the cost, would that new charge be considered a tick-tax?
Patient: I just did, you fucking cocksucker!
We would wrap a sock, around our cocks and Fuck until contented!
Or...
When I was young and in my prime, I'd knock off a piece most any ole time.
But know that I am old and gray, I can only do it but twice a day!