1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.)These people
have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7 Up or whatever it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape. Naturally, we don't care if
you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War history. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Dallas instead of Washington. If
you don't like it we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up,
spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't
put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Texas accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't
give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit,
San Francisco, Chicago, Portland and Las Vegas, and we have the scars to
prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take
your ass home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. Whine about
OUR scenic beauty, or we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston
Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold
doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly,
crime infested cesspools like New York or San Jose. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Slicker