Let's just say that my conception of Chasity and Celibacy is differently intellectualized over that of other men of the cloth. I've seen it and done it all!
When I was Secretariat of State to His Holiness, I once witnessned a most peculiar incident. "Oh God,..." were the words I heard. "I've been Celibant all of my life," the words continued, "and forgive me for what I'm about to do." I crept up to see who was reciting these words and lo and behold...there was His Holiness with his swantz in his hand, going a mile a minute. His face was glowing with the grace of God! He sang "Amazing Grace" and shouted "Praise the Lord" in twenty four different languages.
Suddenly, a camera flash went off and His Holiness froze like a statue. "How much do you want for that camera?" he said to the photograper. "22,052,426.44, Italian lire ($10,000.00 US Dollars)," was his reply.
I snuck off for the chamber to get there before the Pope did. I made it in the time time it took His Holiness to barter with the photographer. Pope Pius Ferdinando stormed into the inner sanctum of his office where I was awaiting and said to him: "Nice Camera!"
"Gracias," he chuckled. "I just bought it for 22 million lire."
"Ten Thousand Bucks???," I exclaimed! "Mama Mia...They musta seen you coming!!!!"
Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!!! Happy April Fools Day
Later!
Jason Everhardt
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Benign....................... What you be, after you be eight.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.>
Barium......................... What doctors do when ptients die.
Cesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.............................A sheep dog.
Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
Genital........................ Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Damn near killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................... One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................... Near by/close by
A. From really... REALLY... ugly Virgins...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms
out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have
to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter,
salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with
water.
You can say 113 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good
branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a
bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers
to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through
your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined
by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation,
and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside
at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in
a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement
and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would
rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but
for my 7-year-old."
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked
right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope
then stopped next to a shabbily dressed homeless man, leaned
over and whispered something in the man's ear, and made his
way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the
drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to
exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to
him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to
see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope
was making his way slowly up to the American. When he
finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and
spoke softly into his ear...
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of
here."
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there
with no shirt and no shoes or socks on. "What the hell are you supposed
to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants
How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:
Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and
leave it there all summer.
Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a
friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at
night.
Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all the arms stay inside.
Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a
cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of
the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
floor.
Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it
thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too
until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful.
Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only
scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an
empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take
a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a
rake along both sides of the car. Pour a milk shake into the speakers on top of the
dashboard. There, perfect!
Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there
for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while.
Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help
himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for
your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will
have all the answers.
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, NY 10015
Dear Jason Everhardt,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, "TROJAN CONDOMS." Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product.
A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however, that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time.
We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.
We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.
Sincerely,
Dick Burly
President: TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
P.S. Remember our slogans:
Cover your stump before you hump!
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker!
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!!
As Rodney so amply puts it...No respect!
Later!
The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you'll have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."
The old man answers without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."