A couple of weeks ago, I walked into my classroom and noticed that someone had written the word "Willy" in tiny letters on the blackboard. I scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, I erased the word off and began class.

The following day, the word "Willy" was written on the board again. This time it was written about halfway across the board. I once again looked around in vain for the culprit, so I proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, I arrived and found the same euphemism written on the blackboard with each day's being larger than the previous one and each day's "Willy" was rubbed off vigorously.

Last Monday, I walked in expecting to be greeted by "Willy" on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." The class roared. I honestly didn't know how to handle the situation. Mr Pinkley, the principal, walked in to see what the commotion was about and looked at the blackboard. "My Lord," he cried out. "What are you teaching these innocent children? I want you to grab your belongings, leave this classroom immediately and report to the board of education's meeting tomorrow night when we will discuss this matter further!"

"But Mr. Pinkley, let me explain!" I demanded. "Miss Van Ouven," he shot back. "You can do your explaining before the board tomorrow night. Now pick up your things and vacate the premises!"

I was flabbergasted. I scurried home and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I called my lawyer and arranged to meet with him that afternoon before the school board meeting to get him to come to the meeting with me that evening. I told him what had been happening and he assured me that I had nothing to worry about.

When we arrived at the auditorium, I noticed that all the kids from my first period class were present. All except for Johnny Hatfield. You can read about Johnny in my Comedy Corner Archive entries under the 10-3-99 and 2-12-2000 links.

Anyway, when it was time for me to speak before the board about the previous day's events, the kids began to chant: "She didn't do it... it was Johnny Hatfield who wrote that on the blackboard."

Imagine that. They all came to my defense. I was shocked and humbled at the same time. Suddenly, into the auditorium appeared Johnny Hatfield. "Don't blame Miss Kristen!" he exclaimed. "I was the one who wrote those words on the blackboard. It was a joke. I didn't mean no harm!"

Johnny was reprimanded. I pleaded with the board not to suspend him and they sentenced him to detention for the remainder of the school year.

"Just one thing I would like to show you," Johnny said while bringing a notebook to the speaker of the board. "I found this on Mr. Pinkley's desk when I burst into his office this morning to explain about writing on the blackboard to try and save Miss Kristen from getting fired. He had stepped out of his office and I walked in before he came back."

The speaker began to read aloud what had been written in the note book: "Suggested Summer Reading for the Little Bastards in Miss Van Ouven's Health Class...

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'"

"I also found this video tape," Johnny added and handed it to the school board member. The speaker went over to the portable TV/VCR and inserted the tape. There on the screen appeared hidden camera images of the girl's locker room with shots of young students in various states of undress.

"Arrest him," the school board members shouted in unison to the chief of the Beckley Police who happened to be present. Mr. Pinkley was hauled off and is now awaiting trial. Needless to say I was relieved. I gave Johnny Hatfield a big hug and thanked him. It was quite a feeling realizing that my students really do care for me.

Have a great summer. Until next time...

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't
know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Ok, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place
'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is:
put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time. Afterward, the guy is lying
face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride
giggles,
"Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time and spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives
him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occassion, but with the unsteady legs of a
recently born foal. Afterward, he lays back the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he protests,
"HEY, it's not life imprisonment!"