"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.
The bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?"
Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
The bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf?"
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. My what big ears
you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm
trying to shit!"
(1) What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push like hell.
(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
(6) Why is the Maryland football team like a possum?
Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Clemson football player's life?
His freshman year.
(8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
College Park, Maryland. . . He knew that the police would never look there for a
Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash...)
(10) Why did Clemson choose orange as their team color?
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash
along the highways the rest of the week.
I was escorting the pups out into the back yard as Ted is loading his
son, Tom into a minivan ...
TED:.. "Well I'll see you in two weeks son. I wish I go with you to
summer camp"...
Tom... "NO, you don't"...
Ted... "Sure I do Who wouldn't want to wake up every morning in the
great outdoors
and spend the day in natures glory???
TOM: "Sounds GREAT!!"... Except all we did last year was scrape
rust off hunks of scrap
metal for 10 hours a day. At night we stood at the chain link fence
watching the older kids smoke cigarettes...."
Ted:... "STAY AWAY FROM THE FENCE.!!!"... The sharpshooters in the
towers can pick off a fly at over
100 yards... Be careful...Bye...
Although this new neighborhood is wonderful, my new neighbor, Ted, is a
little bit weird..
I was escorting the pups out into the back yard as Ted is loading his
son, Tom into a minivan ...
TED:.. "Well I'll see you in two weeks son. I wish I go with you to
summer camp"...
Tom... "NO, you don't"...
Ted... "Sure I do Who wouldn't want to wake up every morning in the
great outdoors
and spend the day in natures glory???
TOM: "Sounds GREAT!!"... Except all we did last year was scrape
rust off hunks of scrap
metal for 10 hours a day. At night we stood at the chain link fence
watching the older kids smoke cigarettes...."
Ted:... "STAY AWAY FROM THE FENCE.!!!"... The sharpshooters in the
towers can pick off a fly at over
100 yards... Be careful...Bye.Bye...
Although this new neighborhood is wonderful, my new neighbor, Ted, is a
little bit weird..
I was escorting the pups out into the back yard as Ted is loading his
son, Tom into a minivan ...
TED:.. "Well I'll see you in two weeks son. I wish I go with you to
summer camp"...
Tom... "NO, you don't"...
Ted... "Sure I do Who wouldn't want to wake up every morning in the
great outdoors
and spend the day in natures glory???
TOM: "Sounds GREAT!!"... Except all we did last year was scrape
rust off hunks of scrap
metal for 10 hours a day. At night we stood at the chain link fence
watching the older kids smoke cigarettes...."
Ted:... "STAY AWAY FROM THE FENCE.!!!"... The sharpshooters in the
towers can pick off a fly at over
100 yards... Be careful...Bye...
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to grow, then every day take apiece of toilet
paper, and rub it between your breasts several times a day for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take? 'she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the
years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Bob Tinsel, Carnival's spokesman, made the announcement
today from Southampton, England, where the Titanic started
her first (and last) voyage. "We're swamped with reservations
right now. People are booking their mothers-in-law and
bosses like crazy for the sailing."
Donations are being taken to book Leo DiCaprio and Kate
Winslet by the non-profit foundation, "One Big-Ass Fluke Of A
Movie Doesn't Make You 'A'-List Stars."
To be as authentic a re-enactment as possible, Carnival has
removed half of the lifeboats from "Orgasm" and has made
sure no binoculars are available to lookouts posted in the
"crow's nest." To comply with OSHA regulations, arrows have
installed throughout every passageway pointing towards the
escape route. Tinsel admitted registered Democrats would
probably "drown like rats" since they have a genetic inability to
follow a straight arrow.
Tinsel said business a little slow for the "steerage class"
passengers, "As they'll almost certainly be sucked straight to
the bottom of the Atlantic", but he said, "Foreigners who
speak very little English are being aggressively marketed to."
In a public relations coup, Carnival has convinced the US Navy
to camouflage one of their nuclear submarines as an iceberg
to conduct the sinking. "We think no one does a better job of
sinking civilian ships than the US Navy."
She stammers, "You mean..."
"Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly
healthy and normal head."
The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head)
on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing.
One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there
has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated.
There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body!
She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and
says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!"
The kid looks up at her and sighs, "I hope it's not another fucking hat."