I suppose that barbequeing is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.........
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, you conclude that there's no pleasing some women!
You men think that you know it all! Well, I'll tell you what....
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, most people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or a talented tongue.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and then there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Jason, you better not give those articles to your "concubine" before thinking twice. She may tell you to eat shit and die! Have some compassion. Try to find the real beauty in a woman...
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes. Because that is the doorway to her heart...the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole. But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows. And the beauty of a woman with the passing years only grows!
I care about you Jason Everhardt. And don't you ever forget it! Rip up those articles and give your lady a big hug! She need that once in a while.
Love,
Kristen
If you can add to this list...let me know and post it here.
Later!
I'm about 5th in line.....
There is this purple faced, red headed dwarf female with 20+ items at the "Express" register...
She is bitching about a 2 cent price difference in the jar of pickles she wants to purchase.... She thinks its $2.77... The
scanner says its $2.79
So, she picks up the jar of pickles and goes back to return them.... keeping us all waiting... I said... "I'll pay the 2 cents!!!!"
She keeps us waiting for 10 minutes and finally returns without the pickles... (Who knows what she was gonna use them for
anyway)..
The clerk then presents her with her bill... Only then does she start rummaging through this shopping bag sized purse for her
checkbook...
She then starts rummaging for her pen...
She finally fills out the check and gives it to the clerk...
He says.."May I see your license?"
She starts rummaging through her purse for her wallet.. eventually producing her license,,,
The clerk finally completes the transaction and this purple faced dwarf retard rolls her sorry ass out to the parking lot...
LADIES!!! Purple faced dwarf or not, You are all the same...
You know if you're going to pay with a check.... if so,
Do this for the male population..
While the clerk is scanning your purchases... Fill out the check except for the amount.... when he tells you the
amount, fill it in..
Have your license available to present with the check... rather than standing there with that "Doe in the
headlights" look on your face...
This will certainly speed things up and keep some poor frustrated son of a bitch from shooting your sorry ass...
Better yet, stop at the ATM and get $200.00 in cash and speed things up even more...
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a shit whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stop atevery shot of
somebody crying.
12) Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why the movie Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates
you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in the movie Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheer leading Championship.
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people
will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He
must be mad at me."
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave
you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too
skeevy.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15
tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) ESPN's Sports Center.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81) Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends
you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Fuck it."
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become
lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it
across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.